Icons, Incense, & Ideations

Another year you made a promise Another chance to turn it all around And do not save this for tomorrow Embrace the past and you can live for now

2012-01-02T22:39:00.000-08:00

What does a New Year mean? Isit accepting and letting go of the past with the wish to move forward? Is it alist of things you desire to achieve? Is it a chance to improve yourself in anarea of life? Maybe it simply means that you will live life carrying the lessons you have learned.

A New Year connotes a newbeginning. It’s 365 days to hope, dream, work, attempt, tear down, and buildup. It’s using time to plan for the future. It gives us time to think aboutrelationships, family, home & career. Relationships. Family. Home. Career. My thoughts this year will focus on these.

The New Year also gives us a chance to reflect. With all the hustle and bustle of shopping, eating andvisiting, it’s important to take the moment and focus on the real meaning ofthe season. What did you truly celebrate thisseason? I take stock of the opportunities I’ve had to connect with family andfriends during the holidays. I have been able to share love, affection and mostof all, my presence. I carry this with me this year. Ilet everything else fall away.

What has this year brought? It’sbeen a year of accomplishments, new ideas, challenges and of course, perpetuallearning. Acknowledge what you are proud of and what you can do better. Bemindful of the people who have come in and out of your life. Make sense of the year's events. Practice self -awareness. Meditate in whichever way is ofa comfort to you. Give yourself the gift of clarity. Clearmind, solid thoughts, sincere intent, meaningful action. Move forward.

Wherever we are in life, we alwayshave the desire and opportunity to improve. It’s never too early or too late.There are so many things to be thankful for. In 2012 I intend to bask in thethings I know give me strength and I will share that with those around me. I will waste less and give more. I will continue to prepare myself for the opportunitiesto come.

Whatever it is you want toaccomplish this year, I wish you the courage to dream it.

For those of you who know mewell, this is one of my favorite quotes. I have literally kept it close to mein times of change in my life.

“So many of our dreams at firstseem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will,they soon become inevitable.”

ChristopherReeve

2012 Peace.

Smart enough to make these millions  Strong enough to bear the children  Then get back to business

2011-10-08T12:36:00.000-07:00

A mother’s existence in thisworld is a web of strength and fragility. A mother is made to nurture, build and lead. She raises children inpreparation to let go. She instills a love that endures through a lifespan.

My mother said somethingprofound to me the other day: ‘You can always talk to me. I am always here tolisten.’ These are eloquent words for a mother to say. They are diamond words. In the everyday business of life, where thepushes and pulls of our time and energy are constant, we forget that the lightwithin the soul is kindled by the warmth of a mother’s love. Her message is one of true peace andhealing. She can give you peace in aninstant.

I am reminded that even as amarried woman, I still need to hear my mother’s voice. I am thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving to you andall your loved ones. Let your voice shine on the hearts of others.

And on our way home I realize There's some kind of storm brewing in his eyes Only veiled by a thin disguise

2011-04-02T19:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes at night I can feel lightness

Then I am not afraid anymore

Some actions that remain in the realm

of a different world in this universe

prompt me to discover.

Then it is clear that a discovery is at once

a wonderful thing.

I shudder to think

What life would be if we did not have the virtue of

curiosity.

Once we leave this Earth, our presence will stay

until we command it to leave.

We will keep going up until we touch down

to a sullen beat

that resides in the hearts of many.

The wild wonderful world is about to emerge

from the depths of despair.

We are never alone.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind. For me It happens all the time.

2011-02-18T00:57:00.000-08:00

Right now I am feeling very open. Energized. My husband is a touch away and asleep beside me. I wonder what he is dreaming about.

Sometimes I sit here and write because it’s time to and then the inspiration comes. Like now, the inspiration comes, and the time is perfect.

I am inspired. By the busyness and stillness of life. I have been experiencing some very honest moments in my yoga practice lately. The yoga room is a microcosm of life. I learn so much from my practice and I love that I can still take away new ideas and feel them physically when I am connecting with myself in that room. In front of the whole world.

Isn’t it funny how we don’t want others to see us fail at something or not be perfect at something? In yoga, I fall out of my postures. I lose my balance. I get flustered. I feel light-headed. I feel imperfect. But I do not close my eyes. I look at myself in the mirror right into my eyes, I breathe. I know my breathe will save me. I do not notice the bodies around me. I am the only one here. I try again. I am not perfect, but I do not fail.

I hope that that the experience of this will humble me in the world outside the room.

When I struggle in a posture, my eyes are opened to the physical struggle. I can feel that my mind and body are not aligned. Sometimes it is utter confusion and frustration. Then I know I have to work on bringing the mind and body closer. In that moment, your breath will save you. Different postures bring different challenges for each person on any given day. And that might take a minute or it may take years. Such as life, a yoga practice is never perfect. Such as in yoga, life is about trying the right way.

When I am pushing myself in a posture and then there is that moment when the level of balance is reached, your mind and body connects and your body is release. I might feel it for only a second or two or longer. But I know it when I feel it. If I can give you a visual, it feels like opening up your arms to the world and throwing your head back looking up into the sky and letting the gentle warmth glide over you. You can’t help but smile. You are filled with joy and the beauty of your surroundings engulfs you. You welcome the surrender to it. You are free.

This time I want it all. This time I want it all. I’m showing you all the cards. Giving you all my heart.

2011-02-10T23:52:00.000-08:00

Watching all of this recent turmoil in the world, prompts me to think about life. Most of us have never faced death for a cause. Imagine a person who lives to be heard, noticed, acknowledged. Imagine a person who lives to LIVE.

This week I have been thinking a lot about how fortunate I am to have the life I live everyday. I have the luxury to do things purely for myself. I can eat healthy and exercise. I can go to a comfortable job and make money. I have a great family and friends who are a positive presence in my life. I have a supportive and loving husband. I have choices.

Choice is a luxury. We should all have it, but there are many who don’t or have very few. From where I stand, I have everything. It is truly humbling.

I pray for peace, strength and choice for those who struggle for the freedoms that we have. So tonight, in my thankful state, my thoughts are with those who struggle for life.

I don't know what it is But I know it's amazing, you save me My time is coming And I'll find my way out of this longest drought It feels like today

2010-12-16T19:48:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here in my bed. I’m warm, calm, and feel semi-productive. Contemplative. Lately I have realized that being contemplative is a luxury. The business and busyness of life doesn’t always allow you to look out that window at something that is still.

When I lived with my parents, I used to sit at my desk in my room and look out the window a lot. I found myself doing this quite often. I wasn’t look at something in particular. I didn’t need to see anything. If I may attempt to describe, it was more of looking outside into the world for something fulfilling I had not yet found. It was looking toward something, reinforcing to myself that it existed and it was there waiting for me. It was also a way of meditation. It was a way to daydream. It was a comfort to look out that window and “see” all the possibilities of life no matter what was happening to me at that time.

There are always possibilities and life to appreciate. I can see myself sitting in that chair and looking out the window with every wish and hope that I had for myself. I still carry them all with me. I may have a different window now, but what I see is familiar. We should never lose sight of the things that we wish for ourselves. It is one of the most eloquent practices of love that we experience within.

Here’s to a Season full of wishes come true and a New Year of discovery outside your window.

I know that you said to me "This is how exactly it should feel when it's meant to be" Time is wasting so why wait for eventually?

2010-10-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

The truth is, life is very different now than it used to be. In a little over a year, this guy I knew a lifetime ago, walked into my life. Then I flew half way across the country so see him for the first time in two years. We already knew we’d spend the rest of our lives together. We met each others’ families. He proposed to me at the place we first met. I made plans to move to Halifax and I quit my job. We then realized we belonged in Vancouver and then given a great opportunity to stay here. We planned a wedding and now we are married.

My head spins.

The past makes even more sense now. I am glad I figured it out. Thank you, faith. I learned the hard things I had to learn about myself in order to be worthy of the kind of life partner I wanted. I have a greater understanding of what love means to me. We watch movies, read books, and listen to songs about it. We might even look it up on Wiki. But what is our personal definition of love? What does love mean to you? What am I willing to do/not do for the sake of love? What will I do today for love, even if I feel unloved? What will I do today, for the one that I will be with forever, but have not met? How is the love I give to others connected to the love I give myself? These are questions I have asked myself once I was ready to bring love back into my life. However, these questions we have to keep asking ourselves. It’s the only way to keep love alive.

Five years ago today, I met my future husband. Little did I know then what obstacles would lay before me and the bright future that would be waiting on the other side. Today, I say thank you to all who have supported me in love and honesty.

Five years ago at this time, I was driving into downtown Vancouver to the Boathouse. When I walked into that restaurant and sat down beside a guy named Daman Beatty, little did I know how my life would change.

Five years later, is the beginning of something new.

It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me And the peaceful quiet you create for me And the way you keep the world at bay for me

2010-03-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

This weekend I made the big trek to Surrey to spend with my parents. I haven’t seen my parents in about a month. It was nice to sleep in my old bed in my old room. The familiarity is a comfort. That is what is nice about your parents’ home. You always feel comfort and safety there. I wish everyone could feel that way.

I had a great weekend visiting with my family. I miss my mom. There are a lot of things I am realizing now that I am on my own and have responsibilities that I didn’t have living with my parents. I am so lucky to have the kind of parents that I have. They have made my life a lot easier and have helped me to live the life I now live. Once I was such a big presence in my mom’s life and now I am not so much. I guess the presence is just different. I sat in my mom’s room as she was getting ready and she said to me, ‘So how’s life?’. It felt really strange for a second when she asked me that. I think because it felt like she was talking to me as not only her daughter, but as a friend. Almost like her equal!

My mom is such an amazing woman. She’s taught me everything I know. Her influence is quite apparent in everything that I do now that I have my own home and the responsibility to take care of my soon to be husband. I know what to do from watching her. If only she knew how much. I think she does by seeing how happy I am and how much my life has changed in the last short while. I also know, now more than ever, that I still need my mother.

When I came back home from my weekend away, Daman told me that whenever I come home, there is a calm and peace. He said that’s what happens when you are an angel. That’s what happens when you walk in the warmth of your mother’s love.

So you're doing better now Everybody comes around But you really don't need em Cuz you're stronger and you're better and you're ready for whatever

2010-01-02T01:54:00.000-08:00

Writing has always been an important style of expression for me. I do it with my mind firmly planted in truth. It is paramount to the kinds of things that I reflect on and write about in my blog. A time came when I found it increasingly difficult to express and ‘think out loud’ in the midst of personal battles. It was kind of like writer’s block….. but isn’t writer’s block usually just a term used to cover the real issue the writer has? In my case, I think it was. The truth is I lost the inspiration to write because of challenging life experiences. The inspiration was lost because I felt unable to be authentic in my writing. However, after the learning process, I am back to doing what I love to do: sharing my thoughts and experiences through the written word.

For those of you who are new readers to my blog, a short intro: Every blog entry title are lyrics from a song that inspires me or has some significance to the entry. Sometimes it is just a song that playing in the background while I am writing. This is a way to share my music in a lyrical form. Other than that, there is nothing else to know.

As for the physical blog, I will be changing it over the next few weeks as time permits to create something new. So please bear with me – I’ve become rusty with the html!

I look forward to bringing my experiences from the last couple of years to 2010 – a new decade. Here’s to a good year for all.

Down to the wire I wanted water but I'll walk through the fire If this is what it takes To take me even higher

2007-07-04T23:14:00.000-07:00

Somtimes life is like that. Kind of exciting in a weird, somewhat twisted way.

Can you believe when all you've got is doubt And no one to pull you out When your heart is slowing down Can you believe?

2007-07-02T12:11:00.000-07:00

When the door seems to close on something you feel you've been working hard for it makes you re-think the things you want.

People create limits. Others will question what you can bring to the table. In fact, they will tell you that you can't bring to the table as much as someone else. These are hard things to hear. They can be hurtful to you, and to the purpose that you are working towards. These are the times when faith is tested. It is a hard lesson to learn and one that I'm not sure is ever fully learned in life.

I find it funny how we try to stay away from the things we really want in life. We get confused as to what we really want. And then something or someone happens to give you a reminder – sometimes this reminder comes in the form of a seeming defeat. A reminder that what is comfortable and easy and even good is not necessarily fulfilling the level of desire and potential that lies within us. This amazing destination that has been created for you and is patiently waiting for your arrival. It is in those times when we have to fully believe. And that becomes the process of fulfilling our dreams. And it is possible.

“So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”

-Christopher REEVE

Look at them running off the sidewalk Look at us falling off a building Look at them reading lights Look at me, look at you

2007-05-22T22:06:00.000-07:00

In Sight

Hold and point

Eyes can see

A still - life picture of me.

Aim and shoot

Through your lens

A frozen image transcends.

-April 15 2007

And if I have to crawl upon the floor Come crashing through your door Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore

2007-05-06T22:32:00.000-07:00

First of all, shout out to REO Speedwagon yo. Kickin' it old school. Holla!

Secondly, I was doing some research for one of my classes and came across this captivating video created by a Professor at the U of Kansas.... a quick history and glimpse of Web 2.0. Even if you're not interested in the topic, the use of the stylistic video as an educational tool is impressive.

"The Web is Us/ing Us"

Now here this mixture Where hip hop meets scripture Develop a negative into a positive picture

2007-03-25T22:56:00.000-07:00

I took these pictures last summer on one of my walks through Bear Creek.

I like taking pics before I arrive in a particular spot. Maybe because I like to freeze time before I experience the rest.

This little shack by the railroad tracks intrigued me. It looked kind of dark and dingy. I thought of trying to get through the fence for a closer shot.....

Okay, don't freak out, the above shot was NOT taken inside the fence. However, I did lean over the fence as much as possible. No one saw me do it.... i think.

Again, I didn't jump the fence for the train track picture. Honest.

I liked the flora of this one below. The sun, the green, wavy long grass and water. I can't wait to start going for walks in the park again. If weather permits, my first one will be after this semester is over.

I have been quite busy this weekend trying to get my paper done that's due tomorrow. One more week to go and classes are over. UNfortunately, I am schooling through the summer so....there you go. You will all be happy to know that my paper will be complete by tomorrow. Now only two more finals and one more project to get done by the end of this week. Guess I will sleep next week.

Today in the midst of typing frantically and checking this reference and reading that article, I took a moment and started to daydream. I recommend that people take a moment or two to do this during a busy day. I am still feeling good and reflecting on it. I don't know what made me daydream but I am sure glad I did it. I must have really needed it, because my daydream seemed to take on a life of its own, like I didn't have control of it anymore. Then it was like I was just sitting there watching it. The mind is a powerful thing....It felt like a revelation or a snapshot of things to come. Now I have this creation that I can keep with me, that will energize me, and beautify me. Now that I think about it, daydreams are powerful because they are created within yourself and have the potential to become reality. And that is pretty amazing.

Walked out this morning, don't believe what I saw Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore Seems I'm not alone at being alone

2007-02-26T00:13:00.000-08:00

My best friend Mo seems to be giving me a nudge to display something on my blog. I have taken a bit of a hiatus from here - as well as you all may know, I've been quite busy w/ school ( two classes), work ( a new position), and my friend's wedding (which is nearing soon - this Saturday, March 3rd - stay tuned for pics!). So here I have chosen a pic I took of my almost married friend Mo (who shares the same nickname as my brother). I took this of her in the wilderness on Bowen Island where we had a spa weekend staggette. In this pic, she skips a rock across the water and if you look to the lower right, you can see a perfect little 'plop' wave (that's what I call it) made by the stone. That's my friend, Mo.

Music Makes the people Come together

2007-01-30T22:02:00.000-08:00

So cute.... visually pure and simple. I'm a Pocoyo fan. From the UK.

"What can you hear that sounds like music?"

Come on and we'll sing, like we were free Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us Come on and we'll try, one last time

2007-01-22T22:39:00.000-08:00

Most of you know about my volunteer work and what that involves. So, I just wanted to take a moment and remember one of the consumers who I have spoken with in the past who died a few days ago. Mental illness is so complex and heartbreaking. Sometimes the pain of living is just too great. It’s sometimes hard to imagine such a thing, but if you have ever known someone who has suffered from a mental illness, daily living is more often than not, a battle against yourself. Imagine such a life.

I had an uncle who suffered from a mental illness and I had first met him when I was in Fiji a few years back. I stayed a few days at his house and he was such a good guy. He had a little business with his two boys, who were probably about 10 and 12 years old. It was a mobile video rental business. He’d take the boys out to their regular customers and rent out and exchange videos. They made some good money and I thought what a great business idea that was in the area they lived in. I saw him come back with his boys this one day and the boys brought out 3 money jars (one belonged to each of them and one for their little sister). With their dad, they divided up the money and each got a share for their ‘money jar’. It was so touching to be able to witness that. There was so much joy and accomplishment in the eyes of the boys with their father. I think of some kids I know and have met who get everything they ask for and more and they are not taught the value of work or money. It makes me think that sometimes the seemingly poor are the richest people that you could know. My uncle was a good man and he suffered too – he took his life a couple of years ago around Christmas time. I try to remember him around that time each year. So tonight, I just want to remember those who have tried to live.

Stood on the corner for a while To wait for the wind to blow down on me Hoping it takes with it my old ways And brings some brand new luck upon me

2007-01-03T23:12:00.000-08:00

And when you feel like you can't see the light,

"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow."

- Dorothy Thompson

I'm with you.

Let's learn from our history And do it differently I hope For more love, for joy and laughter I Hope That we'll have more than we'll ever need

2007-01-01T16:18:00.000-08:00

A recap of New Year's Eve:

The boys rounded up a projector and a bedsheet and created a Jumbotron fit for Xbox Kings to enjoy into the wee hours of the morning.

Yes, it's true, the sheet is wrinkled. Funny that no one thought of ironing it - not surprising. Minor detail, I guess.

The girls didn't indulge in the Xbox because frankly, I don't think we were allowed to play. We popped in once in a while to make sure they were breathing. We got a grunt or two. We continued with our own fun.

Some of the boys joined us for a Murder Mystery game (must of not been enough Xbox controllers) and it was quite fun. Mo was the killer. As they say, hell hath no fury as a woman scorned.

Next was an intense game of Charades. My team (the winning team) did awesome considering we had 3 people for the most part against 5. The other team made fun of the way we celebrated when we got an answer right. They jumped up and down and squealed loudly. Well, if you got 'Loose Lips Sink Ships' right, wouldn't you proceed with a celebration of high fives and hugging? I'm not ashamed of it.

It's been a memorable year. Here's a toast to each of you for 2006 and 2007. Peace and love.

Pray God you can cope I stand outside this woman's work This woman's world

2006-12-27T15:41:00.000-08:00

I spoke to a woman a few days ago. We did not know each other. She had given birth to a baby boy 8 months ago. She spoke to me about her physical and emotional struggles. Other people in her life were telling her that there was something wrong with her and she was getting worried that she might need help. This caused her more worry and anxiety because she didn't exactly know what kind of help she needed.

She told me about some of the feelings she was having towards her baby and her husband. Her struggle was to find the explanations or reasons as to why she felt this way. It was this lack of clarity that was causing her the most turmoil. She was second guessing her own feelings because other people (perhaps unintentionally) were telling her that there was something wrong with her. If you put anyone in this situation, would they not feel a loss of control? I was unsure as to how to help ease this woman’s pain in the moment, so I tried to listen to her to see where she would guide me. Instead of focusing on what I thought I was supposed to do, I decided to make a better effort to practice compassion. And when I decided to do that, something unexplainable occurred. The woman started to cry tears of relief. I felt her anxieties and worry melt away. I felt a blessing being bestowed upon both of us. I felt a mother being able to comfort her baby now that she was feeling some relief within herself. Now that she understood that there wasn’t anything wrong with her, she could take back the part of herself she thought she was losing. She told me that she had tried for days, but was unable to cry until that moment. Her relief relieved me. I felt as if she had reached out to me and I was lucky enough to be there to receive. I was moved by this good woman. It is the best gift I got this year.

We often forget the true meaning of a gift. A true gift resonates from within us and has eternal life. A gift brings us closer to others and in the process reveals to ourselves the things we so easily forget. It puts us in a vulnerable state to reveal the purest part of ourselves that we often try to hide from others. It is these gifts that are not wrapped up nicely and put under the tree. Often these gifts come in unexpected and disguised forms, sometimes painful to see. Hence, they can be easily overlooked and forgotten. We even try to fight them. I will try to remember them more often so I can share these gifts with the people who I experience in life.

As the holidays come to an end, I have redefined my personal definition of ‘gift’. A gift is not greater than you or I. In fact, it is you and I. And it is within reach. I think this is the most important lesson I’ve learned this year. It’s funny that I wasn’t even going to write about any of this, but I felt I had to.

“One must know not just how to accept a gift, but with what grace to share it.”

- Maya Angelou

Here by my side, you are, destruction Here by my side, a new colour to paint the world Never turn your back on it

2006-12-05T23:58:00.000-08:00

"Truth is truth
To the end of reckoning."

William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure"

Today was a day I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. A weight that i have been carrying around for quite some time. What a relief. Sometimes relief brings with it a wave of sadness because it means letting go - of what has been bottled up inside. Relief leaves you vulnerable and yet raises you up. And you become yourself once again. All in all, it is a blessing to be unburdened, no matter how it may come to be.

But Colorado rocky mountain high I've seen it raining fire in the sky The shadow from the starlight is softer than a lullabye

2006-11-26T18:45:00.000-08:00

I have to address the extreme amount of snow. There's a lot. I love how everything gets quieter and pure looking when it snows. When I woke up this morning, I felt calm and protected - it's funny how the snow makes me feel that way. I guess it's because you realize it's not necessary to go anywhere. Getting all the errands done doesn't seem as important. It forces you to stop and do other things. And I for one, need that from time to time. In the stillness of the falling snow, I awoke and blended a special aromatherapy scent and spent the rest of the morning enjoying the stillness. I am laughing at myself right now because I know some of you will read this and think 'that fatima and her essential oils...' What can I say...it was therapeutic. Everyone needs a snowfall once in a while.

I have been listening to John Denver lately. Specifically, John Denver's Greatest Hits, released in 1973. When I was little, my parents had the 8 track and it was one of the ones we listened to a lot. It's one of my earliest childhood memories, listening to his songs. I don't know how many times I listened to that 8 track. He was such a great song writer. I love that he wrote about environmental issues, struggles of the time, and the comforts and beauty of his homeland. He was a soulful artist. Listening to his music takes me back to when I was a little girl, setting up the 8 track ghetto blaster in the living room listening to 'Sunshine on my Shoulders'. I'd feel happy. Check out his music if you are interested.

A big mass of snow as seen through my window:

Going to stand on that bridge Keep my eyes down below Whatever may come And whatever may go That river's flowing

2006-11-15T22:14:00.000-08:00

Today is National Philanthropy Day. Everyone has something to give.

"I have the audacity to believe that people everywhere can have three meals a day for their bodies, education and culture for their minds, and dignity, quality, and freedom for their spirits. I believe that what self-centered men have torn down, other-centered men can build up."
King, Jr., Martin Luther

What puts a hundred thousand children in the sand? Belief can, belief can What puts a folded flag inside his mother's hand? Belief can, belief can

2006-11-11T23:37:00.000-08:00

After seven years of volunteering I am still being shown that I need to be there. Believe me, over the years I have tested the question of leaving - finding a new opportunity, one that could be more 'fun'. Despite the testing, I have always come to the answer that I shouldn't go. Whenever I have taken some time away from it, the day I come back has always been a day I am reminded why I should return ----thanks to whomever I end up speaking to that day. There are so many people in this world who don't have someone to talk to -- not one person. Can you imagine such a life? I am constantly reminded of the purpose of serving and my importance to serve others as a part of my life.

Speaking of remembering, I hope everyone got a chance to give a moment to the men and women who have served and are currently serving not only our country but also each other.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

2006-11-05T23:44:00.000-08:00

So many of you know that I had a job with the government years ago facilitating violence prevention workshops throughout this great Province of ours. It was one of the most difficult and greatest times of my life. A true growing experience. A lot of you have heard me talk about those experiences and so now that the timing seems to be right (hope I'm not breaking some sort of Gov't statute of limitations) I am publishing some of the photos I collected over that span of time. Most of the people in these pictures became like family because we spent so much time working together, travelling together, eating and sleeping together. It was a very unique working experience, one that I know I'll never have again.

I don't think any of you have seen any of these... I hope they will be interesting to you. Being that Blogger seems to only be allowing me to publish four pictures in one post, I'll be publishing a series, a mini-series if you will. Let's begin....

Our first road trip to Smithers with Ryan and Travis where we worked for a week. Here is the view from my room at the Bed and Breakfast we stayed in. Yes, a McDonald's right across the street which served as our dinner the first night we were there. I had the two cheeseburger meal and yes, I do remember it well. Ryan was in heaven because McDonald's was all he ever ate. This caused some tension between him and Travis due to the resulting unappealing smells in their room.

Within an hour of our arrival, it started to snow. Travis and I went across the street to this little park area to frolic. That's our hotel in the background.

Us in the school gym prepping for a show. Travis paced and walked around a lot, Ryan usually slept, and I took pictures and sat in a spot.

I told Travis to do something that was 'him'. So this is what he gave me. It was fitting.

You're probably wondering why I don't have any pictures of Ryan from this trip. That's because he was asleep for most of it. No joke.

More pics to come from various adventures....

I dare you to tell me to walk through fire Wear my soul and call me a liar

2006-10-31T00:12:00.000-08:00

Recently I have had a couple of dreams about fire that I have been thinking a lot about. I came across this interesting take that I thought was insightful:

The dream of Fire suggests that you are in the process of experiencing its more challenging aspects. It is very difficult but also necessary to face our passions head on and ask ourselves the question “Why do I feel so strongly about this – is it justifiable?” In taking up the challenge it is important we quite literally fight fire with fire as it takes a lot of spiritual energy and will to recognise where a heart felt feeling is no more than ego arrogance, or indeed to locate those passions that are valuable to our quest. Remember that when we compress the value of fire(301) we get the number four, the symbol of the earth and solidity. This should remind you that when negotiating this difficult path it is always easier to walk when we keep our feet on the ground.

To fully benefit from this dream requires two distinct responses. On the hand it is important to develop an appreciation of the nature of passion and emotion, at the same time it is a real mark of development when one can feel a certain passion and emotional response to the most simple of tasks. It is all too easy to forget that the divine is fundamentally a force of love. In order to fully link with our own higher self we must be able to deal with a whole range of emotions. Even more we must be able to understand our emotional responses.

I'm absolutely definite absolutely positive Absolutely definitely positively representative

2006-10-28T18:53:00.000-07:00

What we did after the engagement party:

1. Went back to Mo's house and had a slumber party where we did not slumber until late. We flung off shoes and unravelled saris in record time.
2. Soaked poor shrunken feet in bathtub. Exfoliation and application of soothing lotion ensued.
3. Everyone was hungry: the boys stopped for hot chocolate and timbits. Failed to tell us. Mo and I make cheese bread.
4. Roobie, P-unit, and Meepers play X box very loudly, while Mo, Nina and I eat aforementioned cheese bread.
5. We stumble to bed in the early hours of the morning.
6. I conduct a morning yoga class for Amanda and Meepers. I lose my yogi composure as Meepers struggles with the half moon pose. He asks me if we can start with with the easy first pose. I tell him this IS the easy first pose. He looks at me shocked.
7. We all get decent and head for brunch to the White Spot. We try to make a reservation for the 9 of us, however, Mo is told by the White Spot representative on the phone that they did not take reservations. Mo inquires regarding possible waiting times. She is informed by the representative, 'I cannot tell the future.'. Non-telepathic powers confirmed.
8. Arrival at said restaurant where bad service ensues in a variety of ways, but still manage to have fun. Little kid at next table has tantrum and tries to overturn table. Table items fall on floor.
9. We exit and hit the Walmart. The boys try to lose us so they can shop for a $2000 camera with a remote flash. Apparently a detachable flash is a selling point. We find them at the electronics counter at LD. Physcial contact with cameras are made. Boys are drooling.
10. We debate about said cameras on the way home.

I have included pics below of White Spot adventures. People get a little crazy when they are hungry........

Mo letting her fork slip just a little....while P-unit is loving the photo op.

Sat, Meepers, and Roobie. They spontaeoulsy posed this way when I told them to 'get closer'.

I hope you enjoyed as much as we enjoyed.

Old Mr. Webster could never define what's being said between your heart and mine

2006-10-28T18:25:00.000-07:00

October 20th was Mo (my beautiful friend) andParm's engagement ceremony/celebration. We had lots of fun and danced the until our feet were sore (due to lack of sensible shoes). I was having some hair issues that day.

Mo looking gorgeous. When I took this photo, I thought she looked so much like her mom when she was young. I think this is my favorite pic of Mo.

The cameraman and photographer creating cinematographic (is that a word??) memories. I'm afraid of how many times that light was shining right in my face.

Nina and I!

Mo and one of the honorable maids, Dee.
Parm and Mo. Together, but posing separately for pictures. I like it.

Sail on silvergirl Sail on by Your time has come to shine All your dreams are on their way

2006-10-01T01:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a special night because I got to spend it with my best friend. During dinner she mentioned to me how I had not 'updated' my blog in quite a while. She is right. I explained to her why and she understood. I have sat down to write here a few times and nothing would come to me. Not that I have nothing to write about, but because so much is in my head that I don't know where to begin. So I begin searching for something to write about that's safe…. And I mean literally searching. Searching for a 'safe' topic and have something to show for it. But for some reason, and a good reason I'm thinking now, it never seems to happen. Maybe I am just one of those people who can't kid themselves…. Even when it comes to blog entries.

However, tonight's inspiration comes from my best friend. She who knows me, she who loves me. I tell her often that no one loves me like she does. She disagrees with me on that. In fact, it is true. She has a unique way of loving me. She knows when and how to comfort me, when not many do. She shows me the truth when my fears overcome me. When I feel like I have nothing to give, she reminds me of my endless capacity to continue. When I am in the midst of something difficult, she tells me that she is proud of me. And in the end I know I will be alright. She tells me she loves me when I need to hear it the most. Most of the time I know she probably doesn't even realize this, but it's true. We are blessed that we've shared a part of our youth together and have seen each other through to the 'young women' that we are today. I picture that when we are old and gray, that we still have each other, that we will walk down the street arm in arm, just like we do now.

I walked across an empty land I knew the pathway like the back of my hand I felt the earth beneath my feet Sat by the river and it made me complete

2006-08-05T17:27:00.000-07:00

Adventures @ Bear Creek Park

On recent excursions, my iPod and I came across some magical spots worthy of note.

View through the bridge connecting the North and South ends of the park.

Resting place in the gardens.

You're a boy and I'm a girl you know you can lean on me And I don't have no fear I'll take on any man here who says that's not the way it should be

2006-07-31T22:01:00.000-07:00

Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them: A desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.

~Muhammad ALI

And through it all She offers me protection A lot of love and affection Whether I'm right or wrong

2006-06-25T21:19:00.000-07:00

My cousin Shaft and my mom @ Victoria Harbour.

Shaft's mom (my Aunt) and I @ Butchart Gardens.

When it feels like my dreams are so far Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

2006-06-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

"IF YOU DO NOT HOPE, YOU WILL NOT FIND WHAT IS BEYOND YOUR HOPES"

Cause if you will, I will Try to let it go And if you try, I'll try Try to let it show

2006-06-01T23:37:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to my cousin Preeya. She told me that she is six years old. I asked her if she was the 'special person' at school today. She said she was. She is very special to me because she is really the only child I have known since she was born. And the first time I got a glimpse of what a mother must feel towards their child. I don't know what that's like from first hand experience, but I feel that need to protect and her hurts seem to be magnified way above my own.

If I am ever blessed with a child, I hope he/she will look at me the way Preeya looks at her mom. I am lucky that I have so many great examples of mothers around me.

I have a lot to say, but sometimes it's when you have a lot to say that you can't find the words to express it. This is one of those.... sometimes I guess you have to be okay with that until you find the words or until the words find you.

Tell me what we got, tell me it's a lot, tell me it's the real thing Tell me not to change and always be the same, tell me that's a good thing

2006-05-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

Today this man walked into my office and asked me if I could help him. He said that he had a friend in another country who was a nurse and wanted to come to Canada. I told him that I could give him the info for the appropriate person to contact. I had to repeat myself a couple of times because he was hard of hearing. He told me he wasn't very good at talking on the phone so would it be okay if he could talk to someone face to face. Now normally, we don't really have meetings with people who walk in off the street without an appointment. He continued to tell me that he would wait however long it would take for someone to be free. To tell you the truth, if it was anyone else, I would have told them to call the number but this man looked so sincere and almost desperate. I told him I would go and look to see if the consultant was free and ask her to come out to talk to him. I turned to open the door to go and find someone. As I turned my back to him he said, 'Please do the best that you can.' It was almost like my conscience was speaking to me. So I went and found the person and told her what the situation was. She kind of gave me a snicker (not in a bad way). She came out with me and escorted the man to her office to talk with him. I saw him leaving and then he came over to my desk and said thank you. It was a little odd because he was standing off to the corner. I stood up and looked and him and I saw that his eyes were filled with tears that started streaming down his face. I could see the appreciation in his eyes. A true moment. I made sure he looked at me and I said 'you're welcome'. He turned away and I said 'have a good day'. As he walked away he said, 'you have a good day too'.

Later, the consultant that the old man talked to asked me if he said thank you to me. She said that he told her that he wanted to thank me. I told her that he did and that he cried.

I hope he will be reunited with his friend some day soon.

And I will turn off And I will shut down Burying the voices of my conscience hitting ground

2006-05-22T23:03:00.000-07:00

When I worked for the Ministry doing workshops in schools, I used to get a lot of letters, card, artwork from students. I have kept it all. There is this one poem that I got from a group of elementary school students after we had visited their school. They put this poem on yellow construction paper and decorated it. They also all signed the back. I have always kept this poem close to me, in fact, I've always put it near my desk at work since. So, I'm going to share it here too because it serves as a reminder to me to not lose myself in the midst of what I do or am trying to become. Ironically, sometimes it's so easy to lose yourself when you are in the process of 'becoming'-- if that makes sense.

THE MAN IN THE GLASS

When you get what you want in your struggle for self

And the world makes you King for a day,

Just go to a mirror and look at yourself

And see what THAT man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife

Whose judgement upon you must pass,

The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life

Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people might think you're a straight-shootin' chum

And call you a wonderful guy.

But the man in the glass says you're only a bum

If you can't look him straight in the eye

He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest

For he's with you clear to the end

And you've passed your most dangerous test

If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years

And get pats on the back as you pass

But your final reward will be heartache and tears

If you've cheated the man in the glass.

I want to believe there's something to believe I would live only just to believe I'd love to believe It's not only me that's longing.....to believe

2006-05-08T17:39:00.000-07:00

A Man sees in the world what he carries in his heart

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have And cannonball into the water

2006-04-23T18:10:00.000-07:00

I read something at the beginning of this past week and have had it in the back of my mind, measuring my life experiences this week to it. Some of what I had on my mind this week was clarified when I read a commencement address given by Steve Jobs in 2005.

Warning: this post is lengthy, but I think anyone who reads it will be provoked to think and be inspired like I was.

For those who are not aware, this month is the 30th anniversary of the first Apple computer. And for those of you who aren't aware of who Steve Jobs is- he is a co-founder of Apple Computers and current CEO of Apple and Pixar Animation Studios. I read a commencement address that he gave to the Stanford grads last year. Very inspiring. It's funny how we 'know' people because of what they do and what they appear to be. Reading his commencement address reminded me that there is always a history and journey behind every appearance. Also, on a personal note, when you truly search for answers, you receive them in the most amazing and unexpected ways.

I have included parts of the address here that related to some of my questions/thoughts/experiences (in italics) this week:

The way in which you come into the world is significant:

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. ...The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on.
Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

What/who incites your passion?:

.........I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started?

The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.
During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick.

....You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

Nothing is worth more than this day:

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right."... for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer.... I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

... Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

To read Steve Jobs' commencement address to the Stanford graduating class of 2005 in full, click below:

The first Apple computer
circa 1976.

And I'll steal you something pretty You'll say 'Man, well aren't I lucky? I've found myself a crooked lady'

2006-04-04T22:02:00.000-07:00

Discovery: One of my summer posts was published on Blog Carnival. I think I'm on my way to BLOGGYWOOD....

http://office-max.blogcarnival.com/archives/2005/08/it_takes_no_tim.html

If anyone is wondering.... yes, I have acquired a printer now. No more printer woes.

I watch the proverbial sun rise coming up over the Pacific and You might think I'm losing my mind but I will shy away from the specifics

2006-04-03T21:35:00.000-07:00

This weekend I was going through some of my papers and memoribilia. What a walk down memory lane. It's funny how we put meaningful things away sometimes and then proceed to forget about them with time. It's sure nice to re-visit when we find them again.

I found this email to my family that I sent to my brother when I was in Australia. When I came back, he gave me this copy of the letter so I could have it as a memory. I think back to the moment I was writing it-- I felt like I had so much to say but so little time to say it, hence all the short sentences. That made me laugh. The memory of this letter made me feel good.

Take what's bringing you down Let it go, let it go, let it go Who's hurting you now? Let it go, let it go, let it go

2006-03-05T22:10:00.000-08:00

I was having a conversation with my mom this past week, and she said something to me that enlightened me. I don't use the word enlightened very often, but in this case I believe it is fitting. As a result of an issue I was expressing to her, she was talking to me about people who have difficult personalities; personalities that do not appear to adapt or change. Personalities that even appear to be ungiving at times. I was expressing my frustration to her on this topic, and she said something to me that humbled and eased my feelings. Not only that, but it exhaulted me to another level of thinking.

What she said: some people experience negatives things in their life that change parts of them forever. They may hurt others and not even realize it because the hurt they have suffered has changed the way they feel about themselves. It's hard for people like that to change. They might not know as much as you do.... and you know more. They may never change, but the next time you are in that situation, you can change the way you deal with that person. And then, just let it go.

This may sound like fairly simple advice, but I will tell you what effect it had on me. When someone has such high expectations and faith that you can be giving and selfless, it gives you power--even in a situation where apathy towards another person would seem justified. In that moment, I realized the high regard my mom had for me. And when you feel that, you can understand the most difficult people by understanding yourself a little more. It's easy to forget how intimately tied we are to other humans, even the ones that we have issues with. It's through that intimacy that we learn some of the most important life lessons, I think.

It was a long month without my mom. I'm glad that she is finally home.

So just call me whenever you're lonely I'll be your friend, I can be your homey

2006-02-25T22:51:00.000-08:00

Tim Tams are all the rage in Australia. Fiji too. My brother put in a request to my mom to bring back some of these chocolate biscuit delights. This request resulted in my uncle in NZ sending 9 packages. That's the kind of guy he is. I think the quantity will do fine. Some Tim Tam history for those who want to know more:

"Tim Tam biscuits first hit supermarket shelves in 1964. They were named after a horse that won the Kentucky Derby in 1958. A member of the Arnott family, Ross Arnott, attended the race day and decided ‘Tim Tam’ was the perfect name for his new biscuit. The chocolate used to make Tim Tam biscuits has been specially developed by Arnott’s to give a slightly caramel taste. The cream flavour is a delicate mixture of vanilla, butter and chocolate that complements the biscuit base and the chocolate. It’s this unique cream which sets Tim Tam apart from any other chocolate biscuit."

If any of you want to taste a Tim Tam, let me know. I have four packages myself and quite frankly, I can't eat them all. It tastes better when you share. My mom does always say, 'sharing is caring.' I guess that holds true for Tim Tams as well.

I dare you to move I dare you to move I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

2006-02-21T00:20:00.000-08:00

"ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE SHOTS YOU DON'T TAKE DON'T GO IN."

-Wayne GRETZKY

And I see all of your creations as one perfect complex No one less beautiful or more special than the next

2006-02-06T23:16:00.000-08:00

Prelude: Laura and I just wrote a poem together. She couldn't sleep so she suggested and I obliged. I haven't written poetry in a long time.

On Secret Laughter

Bellows in the hollows of my chest rotate my particular tastes

Merry cries of delight roll up my throat and fly out my mouth
Floating into hungry ears and tickling those who dare to delve

Deep into mirth, into joy, and amusement
And out of the merry- go- round of mediocrity

We emerge.

Your eyes twinkle like Pa's and I know that we have shared something more than laughter.

We emote.

Your eyes tell me a story that I pen into my heart.

Postcript: The road to peace is CREATION.

Everybody seems to be getting what they need where's mine? Cause you're what I need so very but I'm anything but ordinary.....

2006-01-31T21:55:00.000-08:00

Today I heard something....I don't remember where I heard it or who said it or the history of it, but it goes like this: If you accept that there's no such thing as an ordinary day, then life won't appear to be so stressful.

So, as I mull over this one for a few moments, I think the logic here would follow that each day is extraordinary. Bigger than we know or can imagine. I like that thought. Surrender to the extraordinary....

Look into my eyes Can't you see they're open wide?

2006-01-29T22:41:00.000-08:00

My brother and I circa the good ol' 70s. I dig his Fiji shirt. Dig my country girl dress. That's my kaleidoscope. I had a few when I was young. I still love kaleidoscopes to this day!

My brother is thinking, 'Gee, is this smile ok?... because I need to get to a potty'. Meanwhile, I am contemplating the meaning of kaleidoscopes. The eyes really are the windows to the soul, aren't they?

It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life for me And I'm feeling so good....

2006-01-24T23:10:00.000-08:00

As a result of numerous events and tonight's thought provoking experience, the late night discussion concerns Possibilities and Realities. What are the things that are your Possibilities in life? What are your Realities? Are these lists separate or are they on the same page? The hardest question of all is do you want to make your Possibilities into Realities? If the answer is yes, how are you doing it currently? If no, how do you go about doing just that? Makes for very interesting conversation I think.

When I think about all of this, the question of 'what would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?' comes to mind. The author of the quote evades me at the moment. This question is one that I have asked myself when I am faced with a decision. I've always found it to lead me to a clear answer, although that has not always guaranteed an easy road. Nothing in life that you desire and feel passionate about it ever easy. I am continually surprised when I witness people spending more time and energy looking for an easy way to do something or doing nothing rather than investing themselves fully into something they want to accomplish. We have an amazing ability to achieve! It's almost a disservice to be stagnant when we are blessed with the ability to turn Possibilites into Realities. Meaningful things take time and effort and hard work. They take discipline and determination. Sometimes to the point where you feel like you are wrung out of those things, howver, the knowing that you will be replenished remains within. And that is the miracle of the creation of meaning. I feel that it is a luxury to me.

What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?

Fast lane High speed On the grind 24/7

2006-01-18T23:25:00.000-08:00

In honour of Martin Luther King Day January 16th, 2006:

"If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michealangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well. "

Hoping for the rest of the week that we recognize and bring meaning to our 'callings'.

So take these words And sing out loud Cuz everyone is forgiven now Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

2006-01-11T23:57:00.000-08:00

Meet my five year- old cousin Priya. She is the pride and little joy of our family. I was fortunate enough to help out at the Kid's Party for Priya's birthday last summer in June. Here's Priya showing me the Dora backpack that one of her friend's gave to her. She loves Dora. Isn't she cute?! One time, I believe she was 3 or 4, we were hanging out in her room and she said to me 'I like being with you.' I was surprised that such a young person would think to say something like that. She sure caught me off guard. Looks like I need to be schooled.

I think that sometimes we forget that a child's view is a human view. With deepness and lightness and novelty. This is what comes from a pure heart. Wouldn't it be nice if we could live more that way everyday and not be bound by fears that hold us back from connecting deeply within ourselves? Children have such a gift for that. Speaking of gifts, I have been having great feelings for this year to come and I hope all of you have made special goals, wishes or whatever you want to call them, that you'd like to accomplish or simply continue doing. I am excited about mine. I hope all of you are excited about yours too.

Maybe Sunday Come on Monday Baby anytime this week Get an old house Find a backyard Buy some flowers down the street

2006-01-09T00:48:00.000-08:00

Here is a photo of me in a sari. Take a good look because it doesn't happen very often! It was one of my first times wearing one. That's my Aunt standing behind me because she didn't want to be in the picture. She did an awesome job of tying my sari on Nina and Punit's wedding reception that day. It was super hot that day and this was taken just before I jetted off. What you don't see in this shot is the hand-held fan on the table that my mom was fanning me with (with some protest) while my aunt busily wrapped, measured, pleated, and tucked right before this picture was taken. I was sweating- not pretty. I have one tiny pin holding everything in place. One pin to hold the drape on my shoulder. Later, I realized that we forgot to put a pin in to reinforce the pleats. Luckily, I had some pins in my purse and I did that at the reception in the bathroom. Two pins is pretty amazing to hold everything together. No sweat. Hehhehheh.

And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now Just let me hold you while you're falling apart Just let me hold you so we both fall down Fall on me

2006-01-07T02:34:00.000-08:00

"Never look down to test the ground before taking your next step.
Only the one who keeps an eye fixed on the far horizon will find the right road."

~Dag Hammerskjold, former head of the UN.

I need a different now Where we can wear each other for awhile I'll lend you my tears if I can borrow your smile We'll get through tomorrow somehow

2005-12-28T00:35:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. Maybe it is this time of year that brings with it a reflection of the events of the past months and of life in general. When I think it's almost like being at one with your body and looking outwards to something at the same time. I know it probably doesn't make sense to many. But this is what happens to me. It's funny b/c when i see other people doing this, I know exactly what it is. My mom does the same thing. Last week at work, I was at the sink and this lady said to me, you look like you are somewhere far away. She was right. In that moment, it's hard to explain to someone where you actually are because I wonder if they understand and I wonder if they would really want to know?

The truth is, I have been thinking a lot about my Grandparents lately, reflecting on my memories of them, and missing them. They came to Canada twice and lived with us for a short period of time. Once when I was in grade three and once when i was in grade 12. Little did I know about the circumstances under which I would see them again. It was in 1997 at my Grandma's funeral in Fiji, where I would see my Grandpa again. He didn't even recognize who I was because he was very ill. I probably looked very different to him. He looked very different to me. He was so small and frail, so unlike the way I remembered him. He had been very sick and had been given wrong medication for his illness. He was being taken to the hospital in the ambulance and my Grandma accompanied him. She was the one who died unexpectedly by the time they got to the hospital. Ironic-- she would talk about how she would want to die before my Grandpa because she felt like it would be too hard to live without him. It was a shock to all of us when she went. When they finally told my Grandpa in the hospital that she was gone, he said that he already knew. They have such an interesting love story of how they met and lived and one day I will definitely write about it.

I remember this one night that I asked God that if he wanted to take my Grandpa too that it would be okay if he wanted to go. I think that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. I was trying to be selfless and I thought it shouldn't really matter what is more bearable to me, because I still had life to live and my Grandpa deserved the quality of life that he had lived for, so maybe if I acknowledged that, then something good would come to him. I just didn't want him to suffer. I loved him so much. He was my mom's idol. Yes, she idolized him and in her eyes he could do no wrong, even though he had his faults just like anyone else did. He was a very loving man, I saw it in the way he treated others, very soft and kind.

He got better and stronger throughout the funeral and everything else that was going on during that time. I did get a chance to get to know him again and bond with him. I have this memory of standing in front of my Grandpa who was sitting down and telling him that I was going to put socks on his feet because it was cold. And then I did. I know it may sound strange, but this memory is so vivid for me because I felt like it was one thing I could do to take care of him. I hope he knew how loved he was at that time. Because I sure did.

It was during this moment in time that I truly learned what loving and being loved was all about. I had always been afraid of it, running from it in one way or another, or not really understanding my responsibility in it. The day I said goodbye to my Grandpa to come home, was the day that I realized the depth of my capacity to love. After I came home from that trip, my life changed forever. I just began doing things better, more accurately, putting more of myself into the things I did. It is hard to explain in words. But it was a kind of taking stock in life and letting go of the unhealthy and starting the path towards the things I really wanted. It was the beginning of a transition. Three years later, my Grandpa died, and it was right before I would be starting yet another significant moment in life that I had worked so hard to attain in the previous three years. The cycle of death and birth/rebirth is amazing. It's a testimony to how we are all connected.

I wish that I had more time with my Grandparents. I hope they know how much I love them and how even though I didn't have them in my life as much as I would have liked, they were important to me and did something greater for me than they (or I) could understand. And I think knowing that makes missing them more bearable.

The rhymes you hear are the rhymes of Darryl's But each and every year we bust Christmas carrols

2005-12-25T22:53:00.000-08:00

The Lost Star Trek Christmas Episode: "A Most Illogical Holiday" (1968)

Mr. Spock, with his pointy ears, is hailed as a messiah on a wintry world where elves toil for a mysterious master, revealed to be Santa just prior to the first commercial break. Santa, enraged, kills Ensign Jones and attacks the Enterprise in his sleigh. As Scotty works to keep the power flowing to the shields, Kirk and Bones infiltrate Santa's headquarters.

With the help of the comely and lonely Mrs. Claus, Kirk is led to the heart of the workshop, where he learns the truth: Santa is himself a pawn to a master computer, whose initial program is based on an ancient book of children's Christmas tales. Kirk engages the master computer in a battle of wits, demanding the computer explain how it is physically possible for Santa to deliver gifts to all the children in the universe in a single night. The master computer, confronted with this computational anomaly, self-destructs; Santa, freed from mental enslavement, releases the elves and begins a new, democratic society. Back on the ship, Bones and Spock bicker about the meaning of Christmas, an argument which ends when Scotty appears on the bridge with egg nog made with Romulan Ale.

Filmed during the series' run, this episode was never shown on network television and was offered in syndication only once, in 1975. Star Trek fans hint the episode was later personally destroyed by Gene Roddenberry. Rumor suggests Harlan Ellison may have written the original script; asked about the episode at 1978's IgunaCon II science fiction convention, however, Ellison described the episode as "a quiescently glistening cherem of pus."

Couldn't have said it better myself. Sorry Trekkies.

I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas filled with good food, friends, family and laughter. Peace.

And the joke is When he awoke his Body was covered in coke fizz

2005-12-20T00:23:00.000-08:00

I was going through some of my old writing and came across an account of a trip to Victoria that my cousin 'Shaft' and I went on last year. I never finished the story (I hope to someday!) and no one has read what I have so far.... here is a little excerpt:

Pre-lood

This time I wasn’t given much time to decide whether or not the destination of Victoria would be in my future. As you remember (and I know you do), my cousin Shaft and I took our mom’s on our very first overnight weekender to Victoria. Little did we know that we’d be visiting again a over a year later. Life is funny, isn’t it?

Girlz ‘n da Hood

It was Wednesday, October 27, 2004 and I was busy studying for my Accounting midterm that I had to write that evening. I was wearing my white hoodie w/ the hood over my head. Underneath my hood was a mass of unwashed bad hair that wasn’t sure if it was curly, straight or wavy. Pause. I know what most of you are thinking :’Fatima never has bad hair and she doesn't even know what bad hair feels like’--- but I do! I do! Continue. I looked like some crazy woman. I think I truly believed that wearing my hood was preventing any vital information from evaporating from the top of my head. After all, that’s how heat escapes. And isn’t heat linked to brainwaves? And aren’t waves just another term for information? Pretty self explanatory I think.

Exams just do something to you. Maybe it’s the pressure of what a test signifies. You either do well or you don’t. You either meet your expectations or you don’t. You either fail or pass. I’d never describe myself as competitive with other people, however, I’ve got a case of fierce competitiveness against myself. I needed all the help I could get.

That's all you guys are getting. Good night!

I can't do the long division Will someone do the math?

2005-12-15T13:45:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to see what lunch time blogging is all about. It's FUN. I have a meeting in 15 minutes. Better go back to the officina now....

I want to travel through time See your surprise Hold you so tight I'm counting down the days tonight....

2005-12-11T01:09:00.000-08:00

Let's commemorate. A few minutes before midnight I finished my last final exam for this semester. Joy!

Today was my Uncle's 42nd birthday. We went out for a family dinner. I was glad Brian and Nick were there. Brian just got his driver's license. Oh to be 16 again.... no thanks. We all shared this fried banana dessert with ice cream. Nick noted that the ice cream scoop had 'silver balls' on it. He got a talking to from his dad about that. Hey cousin, those are called sprinkles! Use the correct terminology. He proceeded to say that the bananas looked like 'caca'. Excuse my cousin, he is a seeker of attention and a self proclaimed entertainer. Plus, he is 11 years old. But so loveable. I could just sit there and watch his antics all day long. He is self-amused. And when I say self-amused I mean he talks to himself and makes faces and is constantly using his imagination to do something or other. But the thing is, that he has this deepness that he shows once in a while and a unique insight for an 11 year old. Children are so fascinating.

Nick did not want to hug or kiss me when I left. He gets embarassed with that sort of stuff. In that moment, he shifts into escape mode. I was amused.

The owner of the restaurant knew my dad and when my mom and I walked in he asked my mom how she was related to my dad. Ha ha. I knew where this was going. She said I am his wife. Lightbulb flash. Later the owner told my dad that my mom looked like she was 26. That basically made my mom's night. We have the young looking genes in our family. My dad is a lucky man.

Now that school is over for a few weeks, I can spend my time doing the things I love-- lots of yoga and getting to see all the people who I don't get to see as often as I'd like. Christmas stuff of course, and I plan to finish the book I've been reading. It will be nice to come home from a day of work and know that I don't have another 4 hours of work to do. Right now I am really tired, but I feel so good and happy. It's the kind of tired you bask in because you know you've put in a good day and you've earned it. Well, I think i've put in a good 3 months. I am excited about the surprises that await me in the next 3.

You might see a different man But baby here I am

2005-12-09T17:48:00.000-08:00

Found another humorous article on this ever entertaining website. Click to the left to navigate to "The Politics of Pie". I especially enjoy the links the article makes between pie eating characteristics and men. I've excerpted below:

'Pie is a window to a man's soul, a lens by which you can see his true nature and know the measure of his worth. You won't be able to take it all in, not in one slice of pie, not in a thousand. Pie is so revealing -- especially rhubarb pie. But to start with, you can choose several traits and look to confirm their presence.'

'What pie reveals is how well a man can identify his hunger. How large and looming is that hunger? Can he name it? How does he meet it? How does he greet it? In the feast of life, will he save room for the pie?

These are very good things to know about men.'

Indeed.

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well...

2005-12-06T01:15:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend, I attended my first Christmas party of the season, specifically a 'Santa Soiree' as my friend termed it. It was a great party. Ask me if you want details.

I am sitting there, flipping through my friend's (and Christmas party host) new photo album of various volleyball trips he's taken over the past several months and strikingly I spot this guy who I went to school. He was my buddy from senior high. 10 years since I'd seen him I think. Sitting there and looking at the pictures, I found out that he plays volleyball with my friend and that he was going to be at the party. Small world isn't it?

When we saw each other it was like high school for me. Except I like to think I look a lot different and that no one would recognize me now. I know it's silly, but I always think that people I went to school with won't recognize me. Maybe it's because I have an extra good memory of all the people I went to school with and I assume that their memories aren't as vivid. What can I say, I'm vivid, sometimes too much so. Popular or unpopular, I remember significant things about each person. As Laura is apt to say, 'Fatima knows the first and last names of everyone we went to school with.' Well, I like names, that's why. Names should be remembered and used as often as possible.

I've included a pic of the 'reunion' of me and my high school bud, Tony. I find Dean in the background eating the cake I brought quite humorous.... so I didn't crop him out. It was Hedgehog cake from Sweet Obsessions. I didn't even get to taste it, but everyone else seemed to enjoy it a lot. I felt that cake in the early morning hours wouldn't be a good idea. I've been having a craving for it ever since.... sigh.

Looking at that picture I'm thinking hey so that's what I look like at 2am.....

Tony and I @ Santa Soiree Dec.03.2005

Drench yourself in words unspoken; Live your life with arms wide open; Today is where your book begins; The rest is still unwritten

2005-12-01T00:08:00.000-08:00

Have you ever come across something that you felt explained your feelings? I always look forward to the 'thought of the week' that we have at work. This week's was very significant for me because it talked about something that is on my mind a lot: Questions and the purpose in them. This poem touched me so much because it relflects the struggle in not knowing the answers, yet the beauty and greater purpose that lies within. Not that I have to explain this to many, but I have always been a person who likes to know the answers, and in some parts of life that can be productive. However, a lesson that I have learned is that sometimes understanding the questions are more important and productive than focussing on the answer. Answers come in many different forms, I think at times under the guise of questions.

I leave you with the poem:

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart.
And try to love the questions themselves.
Do not seek the answers that cannot be given you
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it,
live along some distant day into the answer."

-Rainer Maria Rilke, taken from "Letters to a Young Poet," 1929

And through a fractal on that breaking wall; I see you my friend and touch your face again

2005-11-22T23:28:00.000-08:00

Love that song. I don't even mind that Alanis has redone it. I enjoy her version too. Tell me you like that song (if you know what it is).

I have to say that I'm very satisfied with my ergonomic mouse. It's so comfortable to use and I don't get the bruising to my wrist bone that I'm susceptible to. When I went to one of the more popular supply stores, the salesperson questioned me on my choice after he told me they didn't carry the type I was looking for. He said most people didn't like that kind. Well, I took that opportunity to school him on why it was beneficial to me. Plus, I'm not like most people. If he knew that, he would have understood.

I think everyone should have someone in their life that makes them feel happy and glowing. I think the best thing in the world is when someone is exciting to you and you see them and you get a happy sensation. Don't you think?

Last week was quite taxing at work. I still feel I’m trying to prove myself. Such is life in the world of career advancement.

Fast forward to today. First two days at the new locale is great. It's so nice to end your day and be home in two minutes. It makes me feel like I can't complain about anything. In our building, they have these cool air vents on the floors that blow fresh air into the office. Very cool, I've never seen anything like it. Just don't kneel on one because you might skin your knee. Air quality is so important in an office environment. Just ask someone who's work in any environment with bad air quality (like me).

Monday, November 21st, 2005 was the first day of my life that I came home for lunch on a workday. I challenge everyone to find a 'first' that they have done this week. Intentional or not. Imagine how life would be if you never had any firsts as an adult? Sometimes we forget about acknowledging our 'firsts', but I think we should note them. It reminds us of how much we still have to learn and experience. It also brings us closer to the way we looked at things in awe in childhood. It's easy to lose that as we pass through to adulthood.

The last couple of days my thoughts have been gravitating towards a friend of mine who is in Africa right now. She is doing some humanitarian work there for orphaned children/ children living with HIV/AIDS. Hoping she is safe tonight.... Peace.

Are you prepared to take a dive into the deep end of my head? Are you listening to a single word I've said?

2005-11-10T00:04:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I've written. So much going on. Life is so positive right now. Not without stress, but there's no negativity and I love that. Next week my office will move closer to wear I live. Score! When I say closer, I mean close enough that I can walk to the office sipping my tea. I could even go home for lunch! I've always had long commutes for work and this will be sooo nice. Plus, there will be lots of people in the new office so that is a double score---new people to meet and get to know. I think about 50 or so, not counting the rest of the organizations that will be housed in the Tower.
Today at lunch we were thinking of topics we could bring up at the new lunch room at the new building to clear the men out of the room and make it the ladies lunch room only. I came up with some zingers and got some laughs from the ladies. The ones we came up with were as follows:

1. Menopause
2. Childbirth (my idea)
3. General hygiene i.e smelling armpit and saying, 'did I wear deodorant today?'
4. Feminine hygiene products (another one of mine)
5. And the one that got the biggest laugh ( and was my idea): Talk about anything related to 'your feelings', that will surely clear out all the men from any room, everytime.

Good times, no?

"The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes."
___________________________William DAVIS___________

Working so hard every night and day; and now we get the pay back; Trying so hard saving up the paper; Now we get to lay back

2005-10-29T01:14:00.000-07:00

What a week it's been. To answer Daman's question, yes I did get that job. If anyone wants details, ask me privately and I'll give you the scoop. I got a call on Monday and they wanted me to start on Tuesday. What a strange existence I have been living -- so many changes happening so quickly. I'm working at a different location and in a different division. Apparently, someone left 'suddenly' and they called up asking for me. Well well well. It has been an exhausting week as this was also my midterm week. This job put a wrench in my study plans you could say. One more midterm tomorrow and I will be done.

I have to say that I have been at the office 4 days and I feel so comfortable there. The people are so friendly, laid back and funny. I only knew them through emails and phone calls here and there when I was at my other location, so it was interesting on my first day putting faces to the names I have seen often. They totally made me feel welcome and I could tell there was one person especially who was looking out for me all week. She is great. On my second day she pointed out gently that at lunch time 'we eat in the kitchen, not at our desks', which is what I did on my first day. I guess I am just conditioned to do that. When I have a lot of work to do, I just eat at my desk and keep working. It was nice that someone actually cared enough to point it out to me. Needless to say, I won't be eating at my desk anymore. I don't think I've experienced that sort of environment in the corporate workplace before. Plus, the IGA deli is so good. Score! I got the Florentine Panini twice this week. I am a sucker for a good deli. My ideal workplace must have a great deli within walking distance. And a great coffee shop. Panorama is a great area to work in. I mean, our offices are literally 5 steps away from the Big Ridge Brewery. Can't get much better than that. Oh, and just for P-dot, the McDooggles is just a short walk away. Filet o' Fish Fridays, anyone? Extra Tar-TAR sawce.

Tonight I attended DougW's retirement dinner. He is a Corporal I worked with when I was at the RCMP. I can't believe it's been over two years since I had been there. It feels like a lifetime ago. Bev told me that I was 'glowing'. She still has her perfectly manicured long nails. She was wearing some kind of 'mood nail polish' that changes colour with the heat. DougG of course made fun of me saying 'remember all those times you told me, just wait until I meet your wife, I'm going to tell her all about the WAY you are? Well, she is here and you can tell her.' I don't know, but for some reason, I got really shy all of a sudden and I didn't know what to say. I mean, his wife was sitting right there and she was really nice, I'm sure. And then DougG was like, 'hey you are turning red!'. I was like no I'm not. He embarassed me and I don't get embarassed that easily. Leave it to Doogie. I mean, I couldn't say things about him to his wife! Then she said, 'I know all about the way he is.' Saved.

DougW got a lot of cool presents. We got him a silver desk clock engraved with his years of service. And his unit members got him a palm pilot and accessories to go with it. He's all hooked up now. I don't know anyone who deserves a nice farewell more than DougW. He has got to be the nicest man ever. Everyone always says the same thing about him: he never says anything bad about anyone. Never utters a bad word or talks badly about others, even if they are being mean or rude. He doesn't have one ioda of mean spirit in him. Not one. You would know what I was talking about if you knew him. He has such a good heart. Speaking of hearts, he has a mechancial valve in his heart and he showed me a replica of it once. It's pretty cool what they can do with technology. He can even hear the valve in his heart opening and closing sometimes. Maybe that's why he is the way he is..... he's got this intimate connection with his heart that most people don't have. I think that's pretty amazing.

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band; Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man

2005-10-25T23:10:00.000-07:00

A display of my portrait editing skills.
Mo and I on her birthday Jan.09.2005

There's a rug with bleeding dye under the fan in the room; Where the passion's burning high; By the chair with the leopard skin under the light...

2005-10-19T23:24:00.000-07:00

My mom gave me this magnet today that had a picture of a cartoon guy on it, wearing a blue suit. He looked quite happy. This is what the magnet said,

"THE REAL OPPORTUNITY FOR SUCCESS LIES WITHIN THE PERSON...NOT IN THE JOB!"

Fitting, given my current work/school situation. It surprises me how much my mom and I are alike sometimes. After all, I am my mother's daughter. Got to give her some credit. Thanks for your deepness, ma.

I've been lonely but I know I'll be okay; Good love is on the way

2005-10-17T02:45:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, but what I really should be doing is going to bed. My behavior would be scolded by Laura. Not only did she scold me for not having my dinner until much too late, but I confessed to her that I only had about 3 hours of sleep last night. I worked then did homework for the rest of the day. She would be appalled that I have not gone to bed yet. However, I felt like I needed to write a little. It's nice that I have someone who will scold me. Someone who cares about the fact that I 'forgot' to eat or that I didn't get enough sleep and wants to know why. Some people go throughout the day, not believing that anyone cares about them.

I guess when someone cares about you, you should just let them. Why does that seem like such a hard thing to do sometimes? It's because of the V word. Vulnerability. It can pick you up and twirl you around in the sky until you feel like you're flying and then spiral you down and drill a hole to the depths of the ocean floor just as quickly. Sometimes you want to pull the chute. Other times you need the search and rescue. Most times, you probably just need to open your eyes and see the ground steady below. Or as my beloved friend of yesterday, Travis would say, look to the stars and know that when you look up there in our everchanging lives, that there's something in this universe that stays constant. Actually, that wasn't Travis, that was me who said that. We were in Smithers, BC of all places. Those stars were the most beautiful I ever saw- big, bright, and alive. I felt like they were reachable and I could touch them.

Maybe that's why God gives us the gift of vulnerability. After all, when we are in that state, we are more innocent and humble, almost childlike. And like the stars- big, bright, and alive. Maybe if we embraced our vulnerabilities and saw how beautiful they were, we could be more reachable to those who are waiting to touch our lives. It's something I will try and keep in mind this week. I think that is a nice thought to sleep on.

Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place; Where as a child I'd hide; And pray for the thunder and the rain; To quietly pass me by

2005-10-04T01:10:00.000-07:00

Friday was my last official day of work. It was a nice and quiet day and I took my time doing the final tasks that were left. I came in that morning and instead of going up to my office, swung by the administration offices to find out where to get a United Way sticker for Jeans Day. Note that I'd never been in the Admin office before. I walked in a little out of breath b/c I had been walking too fast (not sure why), and stopped in front of the main desk. This lady looked up at me and said, 'Fatima.' like she knew me. I said, 'Uh, yeah!'. I was a little perplexed and she said, "I'm Mary Jane". And then I stopped and I just looked at her and my mind raced and my heart raced a little too, it raced to find her in my life somewhere. I could not place her and I was thinking you must know her! She got up and put a box on the counter and said that one of the managers wanted me to have it for my last day. Mary Jane said she had just called my office phone and left a voicemail message to come and pick it up. I told her that I hadn't gone up to my office yet and only came to the admin office in hopes to get a United Way sticker and I laughed. She said, "Really? We don’t have those here. I was wondering how you got here so fast after listening my message when I saw you standing there." Strange thing is, she's never seen me before….I told her that was just really strange how this all happened. She said she just looked at me and thought oh that's Fatima, very calmly. I think I just might love Mary Jane.

I peeked into the box and saw something very familiar. It was a glass swan with a rose it in. Why was this familiar to me? Because a few years ago, I received the same thing from my mom. She just brought it home one day to give to me-- for no reason. I got to my office and took it out of the box and looked at it and it was just too strange for me. I had that glass swan in my room for years and finally one day I packed it up and put it in storage. What are the odds that someone would give me that exact swan? Now I have two.

I got a couple thoughtful parting gifts that I really didn’t expect. It really made me feel like I made a difference in the short time I was there. One of the HR ladies in the office came to say goodbye to me and hugged me and told me she would be very interested in knowing where I end up and what becomes of me. She said she really enjoyed working with me. She is very much a motherly type. I have to admit, I almost cried, my eyes filled up with tears. When people say nice things to me like that, it's so powerful to me, that's why it moves me I guess. I packed up the last of my things, which was hardly anything at all, and said a couple more goodbyes. I don't particularly enjoy goodbyes, and I have been thinking about why that is and why I get emotional when people say nice things to me. I never really thought about it before but it makes sense to me now. It's because I easily love people. What I mean is that I just learn to love the people I meet or work with or somehow connect with. Even if they are a part of my life for a short moment in time. They mean something to me, I learn things from them that they probably don't even realize they are teaching me. They are a part of my life. It's one of my greatest sources of joy, but also one of sorrow because I find that as much as I let in, I have to let go.

I gathered my things and picked up the little cardboard box containing the glass swan. I stood in the doorway of my office and stopped and took one last look, one last breath before closing the door for the last time.

I stepped outside and as the tears welled up. I felt a little sad but then a sense of relief. Because, in many respects, I was leaving with more than what I came here with. And that felt good and I was thankful.

I drove to up to the parking attendant, Ken to pay my way out of the lot and Ken greeted me with the usual, "How is Fatima today?" I told him that it was my last day & we exchanged a few pleasantries. The last thing he said to me was, "I think I will see you again." That's just the way Ken is.

P.S- Andrea, speaking of profound movie experiences, you should go see Scared Sacred http://www.scaredsacred.org/ . I finally got to see it over the weekend and for some reason, I thought you would like to see it too. It will be at the Town Cinema on Oct 30th or 31st. Everyone should check it out, this is something worth seeing

I wanna run with a reckless emotion;Find out if love is the size of an ocean;Even if I crash down or burn out;At least I'm gonna know what it's like..

2005-09-27T23:31:00.000-07:00

Since it's my last week of work at my current job, I thought this work quote would be fitting. We have a 'thought of the week' every Monday. It really gives me something to hold on to in my personal thoughts throughout the dynamics of the work week.

“Always you have been told that work is a curse and labour a misfortune.

But I say to you that when you work you fulfill a part of earth’s furthest dream, assigned to you when that dream was born,

And in keeping yourself with labour you are in truth loving life,

And to love life through labour is to be intimate with life’s inmost secret.”
--Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet

I think to love your work is so important. No matter what that job is, there is a purpose in it. I think you can even learn to love the purpose in a job even if you don't love the job itself. Sometimes unconditional love doesn't seem to exist when it comes to work. Isn't that funny? Finding purpose--it's half the battle in any aspect of life.

For example, if you stock shelves at a grocery store, it's because of you that buying food is made more convenient. Imagine if there was no one to place a can of soup on a shelf so that a mother could pick it up and put it in her shopping cart so she could take it home and feed her child. From one hand given to another, but hardly ever seen or recognized, let alone thought about. There is immense purpose and emotion in the smallest gesture. And yes, I do believe that gesture can be as simple as placing a can on a shelf.

When work becomes too much or perhaps not enough, know that every movement you make with your physical and mental self, has a purpose. Again purpose--I do a lot of this where when I'm struggling with something, I try to break it down to it's most simple elements to reveal what purpose it serves. Not always a pleasant experience but once I arrive at the realization it becomes more bearable. Purpose does make everything more bearable, doesn't it?

Here's to a week filled with labour and love for each of you.

Earth spins and your mind goes round; Green comes on the frozen ground; And everything will be made new again; Like freedom and spring

2005-09-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

Had a bit of a scare today. I thought I had lost my little special cosmetic case with my lip glosses and lip liners in it. Perhaps this is not a very big deal to some, however, my lip essentials are just that to me: essential. I hardly ever lose things and when I do, it really bothers me. I had four lip glosses in there along with two lip liners. One of those glosses was brand new. The other three have done their time. When I thought I had lost them, I thought oh well that means I really only have to replace one b/c the other ones would be replaced soon anyways. I thought to myself, well at least I didn't lose my new red lip gloss (I had left that one on my dresser). Yes, red lip gloss! I was with Laura when I got it--I was wanting something different and fun. And red is a fun colour and you can achieve some good looks with it. I might even wear it to work tomorrow.
I'm excited about tomorrow b/c it's Jeans Day at work for the United Way and that means I don't have to wear dressy clothes. My workplace isn't overly dressy, but it's not a jeans environment. I just miss wearing my regular fun clothes. I only get to wear them on the weekends and that's not very much. I think Jeans Day should be every Friday or maybe even every second Friday. I think it makes people a bit more relaxed and they look forward to it, hence making more more pleasant and as a result it increases productivity. I'm going to be the bestest HR person ever! I'm going to do it all! Which reminds me, Shereen still hasn't given me back my Little House DVDs. I bet she loves them.
I am getting together with the old rcmp crew next month for a retirement party for one of the corporals I worked with. It's interesting how the old rcmp gang have all gone our separate ways but for some reason we have remained connected and we're still interested in each other and have kept tabs. That doesn't happen very often. It's actually quite a miracle considering we are from different backgrounds, ages and paths in life. Maybe it's because we all shared such an intense work experience with each other--- but I think it's because we all genuinely like each other aside from work. Looking back, it was a very significant time for each of us, not just in work but also in our personal lives. It was like a family of sorts. Funny, because the men that I worked with there were much older than me and were married with kids. However, I don't think i have ever felt more like a lady than I did around them. They always made me feel special and they were all very chivalrous. I remember when Gambs took Bumba and I to the special valentines party at the Mess Hall as his dates so we could get roses (becasue every girl that came in got a rose). I remember how John would always help Bumba and I with our coats and pull out our chairs for us when we'd go on our special lunches with the gang. I remember having some good talks with John about relationships and he really helped me understand the faults of men. I remember MervSherv's jokes and how he would always be ready for a good time. I remember Brutha Doug's sweet demeanor and how he would always compliment me. I don't know why, but I just seem to be blessed with these great male role models who have helped me and who have respected me. I think this is why my intuitions about men are strong. When you feel special and admired and respected in your everyday life by good male role models, that's what you seek out in the men who come into your potential relationship life. You look for substance and you're just better at distinguishing what's real and what is not. It's so easy to lose your instincts when it comes to men sometimes. I think it is because of the male role models in my life that I've been able to make good choices for myself.
I always wonder why girls don't ask more questions to the guys they are dating. I remember discussing this with Laura and Doug (not a work Doug, Doug Clarke Jr.) about asking questions on the first date. Doug thought it was interesting that I would ask my types of questions. Well, what am I supposed to do, just sit there and wait for a guy to like me? What about me liking them? That's the only way you know if you are compatible, and isn't that the purpose of dating? Well, I can go on and on regarding this topic, but I don't have all the answers, but I sure do know how to ask a good question. Good night.

There's a wind in my sails; Will protect and prevail; I just spent 6 months in a leaky boat; Nothing to it leaky boat

2005-09-15T21:50:00.000-07:00

Speaking of which, I saw a lovely boat last night. It sure was pretty and shiny. It sparkled. Kind of like mini yacht. Something like Seth would have on the OC. Ahhh Seth.

Why does the phone ring when you don't want it to?

First day of school was really good. My HR Management class. I didn't feel like going as I didn't get enough sleep the night before and it was a busy day at work. When you have to use your brain so much throughout the day problem solving for others, the thought of going to school and doing a few more hours of it isn't always appealing. However, I got to class and saw that the seating arrangement had us all sitting in a circle. All 9 of us. 8 women and 1 guy. Marty--he's a lucky man. What I absolutely enjoy about my class is that we discuss real issues in the workplace and the possible solutions. The problems make you think critically of all possible solutions, not just the right and wrong way. The class is more of a seminar than a lecture. Our teacher gives us an HR question and we have to work in our groups to come up with an answer then present it and discuss. That's basically the way the class is designed. I think I will like it.

I like my teacher Alex. He laughed at my jokes. But then, so did everyone else. So, in that class the participation mark is quite high, 25%. So basically it's a giveaway that you should have some relevant things to say in class. He let us go early that day too, and I was thankful b/c I was quite tired. However, I felt like I put in a good day's work.

Another teacher I am going to enjoy. I made a point to tell the guy upstairs thank you for blessing me with such great teachers. I was getting swells of tears in my eyes thinking about it.

I also started my Management class. There's a lot of work in that one. 10 assignments. That's quite a bit.

And there are voices that want to be heard; So much to mention but you can't find the words

2005-09-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

So many changes happening at this point in life. It's kind of overwhelming. Not only in my life, but in the lives of those around me. Maybe this is the natural stage of an adult's life where you go through changing directions or making new directions. There is just so much to think about and so much out there to experience. I haven't felt like this in a long time and it's a good feeling yet a scary feeling at the same time.

As an aside, I have put in a photo of the wedding I was in a little over 3 months ago. It feels like it has been a lot longer than 3 months though. Just to keep on the wedding theme for a minute: congratulations to my friend Chris who got married over the weekend. It sounds weird referring to her as Chris, which is in fact her real name, but I have always called her Hannah. It's a name we kind of gave her. It's a long story, but often times I forget that Hannah isn't her real name.

I just said goodbye to a couple of my friends who were here visiting from out of town. We had a great day with them. They are newly engaged and the planning is underway. They actually checked out a ceremony site today which was very exciting. I'm excited about it and for them! They are such good people and friends. They are going to try and pull off an outside Indian wedding. I hope their wish will come true.

I start school tomorrow. I'm taking two classes and it will interesting to see how this semester turns out. From my experience of working full time and taking a class during the summer, I have come to the decision that I will never again complain about being tired doing anything less. I have had a good 3 week break from school and have had some great times and have been able to make some great memories. It's been nice coming home and not having to study or work on an assignment. But that's all going to change as of tomorrow. According to my calculations, I will be having a 53.5 hr week of work, school and commuting. This doesn't include any study time which according to BCIT standards should be about 21 hrs/week. This totals 74.5 hrs/week for the rest of this month. It's going to be eventful- I can feel it, no joke.

Pull out the stops- Got your attention; I guess it's time again for me to mention....

2005-09-06T22:10:00.000-07:00

This week's work quote:

"The beauty of work depends upon the way we meet it,

Whether we arm ourselves each morning to attack it as an enemy

that must be vanquished before night comes--

Or whether we open our eyes with the sunrise to welcome it as an approaching friend

who will keep us delightful company

and who will make us feel at evening that the day was well worth its fatigue."

-- Lucy Larcom

I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'd come back to me, But still I have to say- I would do it all again

2005-09-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

Last night was my Aunty's 40th birthday party. Thanks be to Shereen who basically made all the food and all the preparations. She is a superwoman- so humble and beautiful and basically I can't see a selfish bone in her body.

It was a very special night, which is not surprising because my Aunty makes everything special when her presence is involved. She looked so pretty-- her friend did her makeup and hair, and I got to see just how curly her hair really is. It was amazing-- she has these tiny corkscrew curls which you never get to see because she always has the 2 minute mom hairdo which doesn't allow for much styling or much of anything for that matter.

The most special thing about that night was that my Aunty made a special toast to all of the imporant people in her life which Rohit videotaped for our out of country family members. It was so touching and so like my Aunty to do something like that on a day that's supposed to be about her. She raised her glass to each of us and through her tears, said something about each of us and how we've affected her life. There was not a dry eye in the place. In my books, she really is the matriarch of our new found family. I have often wondered where I would go or what would life be like when my parents are gone. Who would feel the loss like my brother and I would, and who would be my family then to belong to? Those fears of mine have slowly been subsiding and that is largely due to my Aunty who has given us all a place to belong. I'm so thankful for that and for her.

You might be the silent type; But you're advertising louder now; It's crazy how you're killing me

2005-08-30T23:05:00.000-07:00

There is a big difference between power over work and power over the people you work with. These two things are often mixed up. I've been observing that often times when people feel no control over their work, that they attempt to regain that control by undermining the control of their team members. Sad, but true. I may work diligently all day long, sometimes not taking a break, but I do notice and listen to what's going on around me. Sometimes I wish people were just happier. Last week I was talking to this person on the phone about a work issue and then I asked her how she was doing. She paused, and in that silence I felt her frustration, pain and some desperation...I immediately started tearing up. And then I told her that it was okay if she didn't finish the work thing I was talking to her about. Sometimes people need to know that they are more important than a piece of paper or information in an email. Sometimes people really do forget that they are.

On a lighter note, I met a guy name Etienne today. Not only is that a cool name, but I enjoyed the way he said mine with his French accent. It pleasantly rung in my ear and I asked him to say it again. Now I'm thinking that was quite bold of me. Sometimes you've just got to tell someone when you like something they do. It's a simple pleasure to me.

In all the little moments I pushed you away that I can't erase; Every moment overflows with power; 66 thousand miles an hour

2005-08-21T18:43:00.000-07:00

Jawn you asked the question about my experiences of eliminating redundancy. I think I've been trying to do that in different aspects of my life in the last several months. Namely, figuring out what things I can do without in life that I have held on to from the past and trying to let them go. At times, I've felt redundancy in the choices I've made when I have not listened closely to myself, when I make choices out of fear or inadequacy. Getting rid of the thoughts that hold you back is getting rid of the redundancy that those thoughts create in your physical life.

I've spent the last few months getting to know myself, incorporating the past and the present, and setting goals for the future. This kind of all began when I decided to transition into another field of work. It meant leaving the security of work that I was familiar with but knew that I didn't want to make a life long career. My struggle with this lasted until I made the decision to go back to school and follow what my instincts were telling me. Following your desire isn't always immediately gratifying. In the middle of my struggles, I have questioned if taking a ~70% pay cut to become a student and leaving a comfortable line of work is the smartest thing to do. Because I can tell you, there have been times when it has appeared that way. In the midst i also decided to take a career management course to help me focus on the things I needed to get done careerwise and make a plan for myself.

I know that sometimes people don't know where my motivations or ideas come from. I don't always know what the ideas are or which to choose, I just find that what I do know is what questions to ask. And God helps me with the answers. But, I trust that my spirit will lead me when I'm not sure where to go. It's funny how when you decide to change something in one area of your life, it affects other areas too. So, the decision to eliminate redundancy in my career life, has also been modifying and eliminating redundancy in my family life and personal relationships.

This past couple of months especially,I've been going to bed dead tired and getting up tired. Working in a new job in a field that you are just beginning to enter and trying to keep up with your schooling brings physical and mental challenge. In those moments of challenge I try to remember the purpose of what I'm doing. There are a few of those. First and foremost, it's for me-- for my learning, to really find out what I am made of. And to find where my talents lie and how I can most effectively use those in life. The only way to do this authentically for me is to be stripped humbly of the superficial things that stop me from achieving what I want in life. Those things are usually unique to the individual. The second purpose for me is for my family, present and future. This will sound a bit out there considering I'm perfectly single and without children, but I do what I do now partly to be able to provide in many ways, the best for my family when that time comes. Although I don't have their physical presence, I do have them in my mind and in my heart in everything I do. I feel that way about my immediate family too, of course. And sometimes when I get selfish and prideful, I think about the future and it makes things a little more bearable.

I la la la la love the wonderful thing it does because Because I am the wizard of oohs and ahs & fa la la's

2005-08-14T02:17:00.000-07:00

Do you ever hear a phrase that totally sticks out in your mind and you think hey, I have to remember this one. For some reason it has meaning to you. This happened to me this week when I heard the phrase: Eliminate the redundancy

The context in which I heard it was not very significant, but the meaning of the words set a lightbulb off in my head and I told myself that I couldn't forget this phrase and I will have to think about it later when I have time. I like it when things just grab my attention that way to generate thought. You never know where it might lead you. I find it exciting.

It takes no time to fall in love But it takes you years to know what love is

2005-08-02T00:04:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to write in here for a long time, but everytime I've sat down to write, I've been so tired that I can't seem to complete my thoughts. Ironically, I had to erase that last line because I couldn't express my words in the right order.
Well, school and work are taking their toll on me. This is pretty much the most stress and tiredness I've experienced in my school/job life. 50 hours a week I spend at work and school. And that doesn't count time to study and do assignments (which is about 10 hours/week)or commuting time (7.7 hours/week). Yes, I have counted because it's the only way I can manage my time properly and have a realistic view of how I can get things done. Or else I would have dropped my class by now.

I like my class but it makes me a little upset that I don't enjoy it as much as I could. In class, sometimes (like tonight) I was yawning and just ready to go home about half way through. After a full day of work and then a stop over at Staples to print off my assignment, then to the library because the girl at Staples told me it would take two hours to print my stuff. I've taken stuff their before and that's never happened. She said 2 hours for colour printing (which is what I wanted). Then I asked what about black and white? She said 30 mins. I didn't get that logic. I only had 6 pages to print and I said nevermind and left for the library. Let's just say my library experience was not a great one. First of all, the lady at the information desk kept repeating the spelling of my name wrong. 3 times she repeated it to me wrong. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, but my time was running out and I had to print my stuff fast. I walk over to the computer only to find some guy sitting at the computer I just booked. I gave him a look and he got up right away-- his buddy was on the computer beside me, so he just stood behind me. Nice. I got my docs ready on the screen and went to the main desk to buy my paper. I bought 10 pages and proceeded to the info booth where I showed my receipt to get my paper. Then the wrong- speller- of- my- name- responded with a 10 pages yes answer. See, she is supposed to bring the paper to the printer and put it in and then I can print. I thought she was following me to my computer b/c she had the paper in her hand. Once I got to my computer, I peer over and see that she is sitting at her desk! I look again b/c I thought she was maybe accosted by someone for help, but no, she's sitting at the desk. Well, I marched over there and she looks up at me and says oh you want your paper? Uhhhh, yeah I want my paper! My paper was sitting right beside her on her desk. So I walked back to the computer. Note that this whole time the guy beside me is crazyily printing off stuff. When I say crazily, he almost had a half a package of xerox paper already in his hands. This bugged me greatly as he was constantly printing and I needed to get my paper in there. Turns out as Mrs. Badspeller came to put my paper in, Mr. Crazypaper ran out of paper. Think that would be a good thing so I could get my paper in? Wrong. Apparently Mr. Paperking kept cueing print jobs even though he used up all his paper. Meaning that I could not print my jobs until his cued ones were printed. For some reason Mrs. Icantspell couldn't understand what was happening and at this point, I was getting anxious and I explained it to her. Regrettably, I didn't use a nice tone. But she didn't seem to notice, just as she didn't seem to notice much of anything. So Mr.Paperboy had to finish his and then I finally did mine. Most of the time I was waiting around I tried to concentrate on breathing so I wouldn't get irritated. Six pages. Just as I was done, he asked me if I was finished. Was he in some kind of rush?? I thought to myself, I'm going to be nice to this guy because that's what I should do. So I told him he could have the rest of the paper in the printer that I didn't use.

I booted it to school. As I approached my classroom door, I noticed it was shut and looking through the window, there was nobody there. I paused then saw a note on the door that said class was moved to another room. I walked into that room and my teacher said hi to me, she had already started class and I was 5 minutes late. It was a good class but I started losing my concentration in the last hour of the new topic. On a good note, I found out I got a higher mark on last week's exam than I thought. I was a bit surprised at my mark last week, although not bad, it just didn't seem right. Anyways, my teacher said she will tell us about the mark changes next class.

And that's the kind of day it's been for me. After it's all said and done, today was a day that taught me a lot. I learned how to be a better person when I don't feel like being one. I'm thankful that I didn't take out my emotions on the people I encountered today. I don't feel I was 100% successful at that today, but someone upstairs helped me out and was patient with me. When patience is tried, just remember that in those times, Someone is being patient with you. And then you will be okay.

Good night.

"And if you pull my card you pull the ace; And if you ask me turn up the bass; And if you play defender I could be your hyperspace;"

2005-07-20T14:41:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the world of change. This past few months have brought with them so many changes and turns in life. Changes in family, job, friends,& school. Affecting the all important self. I feel like there is something new up ahead around the corner and things are making a 'little' more sense to me now. It's a good feeling of possibilities that lie ahead.

One thing that stays the same every year is the day of my birth which was yesterday. It was a good day. I'm going to include below something that my best friend wrote about me and to me for my birthday. She told me I had to read it out loud to her. I'm sure she knew I had to hold back the 'ugly cry' as I read. She seems to have this effect on me with things she writes. I used the tactic of using a funny voice to soften the stirrings of emotion welling up inside me. It was the best birthday gift. Everyone deserves a friendship like the one we have.

today is my best budbud's birthday. she finally gets to know what if feels like to be 31 when i've been feeling it for 3 months. i'm already working my way up to feeling the 32 and she's just embarking on the 31 feelings. friends are big-time blessings. i went through periods of friendlessness when i was younger, and i used to cry and cry and pray and beg and plead to Heavenly Father to send me some friends. if i could have seen ahead then, i would have been comforted. i never expected that he would answer me with such abundance. but that's what he does. like it says in matthew, he knows how to give good gifts. my friendship with her is one of the things that gives me roots. i love the way we can talk and talk and talk. we love to discuss communication and people and why they do the things they do, and what they should do, and ourselves and why we do the things we do, and what we should do, and we share a love in beauty products and aroma therapy (things she introduced to me) we love to scan the jewelry racks and displays and point out our faves and ponder them, and we share a love of purses and ethnic foods. we like a good cheesey indian love story. i love the way we can laugh and get our kicks out of the way we talk and the ways of talking that we make up. i love that i can count on her to see the good in me when i need her to, and to forgive the bad. she is a woman of compassion and wisdom. i admire her integrity and her strength. i admire her acts of thoughtfulness and kindness. she does her best when she has something to do whether it be a shell picture frame or a project at work. i like the way that she enjoys people and they way she laughs with a kind of wonder at the funny things people do and say. i like the way she is always trying to understand and become better she's a giver. that's my best friend.. it's her birthday today and i celebrate her.

"Goodnight moon; I should be talkin' to Neptune; He's the one who will teach me patience; For whoever rules the sea; Is now the ruler over me"

2005-07-11T23:51:00.000-07:00

I really enjoy the computer class I am taking even though it's a night class. There's good energy there and my computer is beside the window which I like. Score on the fact that I have another
good teacher. There must be something in the water at

because so far I've had very enjoyable people as teachers and that's what gives a class an extra something special.

The only cause for trepidation is the 4 assignments and 4 exams in 6 weeks. Yes, that is for ONE (1) class. You do the math and then tell me how it will all be okay. For the next 6 weeks my mantra will be, "You only get out of it as much as you put into it."

I met this girl who's favorite band is Social Distortion. It's a punk band.

If you enjoy pop culture like I do check out this site, it's got some interesting articles in it.

I found "Breaking Up is Not BreakingAway: The Pseudo-Empowerment of Kelly Clarkson" rather scintillating.

"Stay on, soon you'll be divine; If you start to cry, look up to the sky; Something's coming up ahead; To turn your tears to dew instead"

2005-07-10T17:23:00.000-07:00

Let's talk watermelon. We had half of one sitting in the fridge. I witnessed my mom take it out, and cut into the flesh with a knife and partake. I said to her, "That's not how you're supposed to eat that." She replied, "Yes it is." I said "No it isn't. You're supposed to cut it in pieces, not just scoop out the flesh and leave the rest in the fridge." She said, "Yes you can. Here, you can do it too." To this I said an indignant, "No way." She left the kitchen and I fell into deep thought about it for approximately 3 seconds. I then took the bowl containing the half watermelon, took a Simeon L. & George H. Rogers fruit spoon, sat down and began scooping and eating. The shell of the watermelon was transformed into a bowl before me. It felt kind of communal, tribal even. Sometimes one needs to step out of their melon to enjoy it's flavor.

Anarchy! Revolution, justice, screaming for solutions; Forcing changes, risk, and danger; Making noise and making pleas"

2005-06-27T20:43:00.000-07:00

How long has it been since you've tried something for the very first time?

"The world I love The tears I drop To be part of The wave can't stop Ever wonder if it's all for you"

2005-06-11T02:45:00.000-07:00

I bet not many people do the following. If you do, let me know so we can 'discuss'......

I was driving home this morning when I started to have a re-conversation. Meaning: I was reliving a conversation I already had with someone. This replay occurs in my head. I will see a snapshot of the place and person/people involved and I will see it happen again. I also replay the dialogue. I must have been really into the re-living of conversation because before I knew it I made a hand gesture while saying something out loud. Is that art imitating life, or life imitating art?

A vivid imagination is entertaining.

"Never been here before I'm intrigued, I'm unsure I'm searching for more I've got something that's all mine"

2005-06-09T23:38:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks have been very interesting. I've been learning a lot about my family and myself as a product of my family. What I mean by 'family' is family history. All the good and the bad that it entails. I've been learning that the way I feel about certain things at this point in my life have been affected by the decisions, actions and relationships of my family, both immediate and extended. Family is important. It’s the only thing that is for life, when all else is gone.

I've been thinking a lot about identity and where and how that evolves. Not to mention, the complexities of my own identity and how I define myself. I am feeling a shift in the way I see myself and how that affects my purpose. More specifically, in what ways do I, and how can I maintain a life of purpose? How can I live a life that is meaningful to me? I know that I accomplish a part of this through my service to others and the dedication to maintaining a healthy and active lifestyle. Currently, educating myself is also a source of meaning for me. Sometimes it can be hard to find meaning in life or feel like you’re living purposefully. When it is, you have to remember where your passion lies. That requires taking a look inward.

I am learning about unconditional love and how that exists in family. I am appreciating a deeper meaning of the act of forgiveness and the strength it gives to future generations. I am learning about patience and time and recognizing again how those things play a part in my life everyday. I'm trying to accept all the things I am being shown at this moment in time. It is a challenge and a struggle to understand but I acknowledge them as points of change and betterment. Some things are revealed when you know a little more and can see more clearly. Most importantly though, I’m learning how I can be more of a woman, and less of a girl.

"Some people think that the physical things define what's within; And I've been there before; And that life's a bore; So full of the superficial"

2005-05-25T23:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people just need a day to themselves to do things for themselves. Sounds simple enough doesn't it? Think about the last time you had a whole day to yourself. What did you do? What did you enjoy about it? How did it make you feel? Why is it we don't do this as often as we should? Some people may not like the idea of spending a whole day by themselves, but I love it. It rejuvenates me.

I think this quote expresses exactly what I feel when I spend time alone doing the things I love doing that I don't get a chance to do often enough...this is such a sweet and real quote.

"I have, as it were, my own sun and moon and stars, and a little world all to myself." - Henry David Thoreau

See I'm all about them words Over numbers, unemcumbered numbered words Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards

2005-05-15T23:31:00.000-07:00

Today I am very thankful for truth. Pure and simple. There is a lot of power in the clarity that truth provides. There is no doubt that finding truth can be a very painful thing, yet the liberation that comes from truth is the clarity we receive from it I think. Things are revealed to us until we are ready to see them clearly.

Clarity allows us to make better choices for ourselves and sets the standard by which we live and by which we set the standards for the way others treat us. I am only now discovering and using clarity for the first time. 'Using' clarity has a lot to do with acknowledgment of the things about ourselves that we don't want to see and hoping that others won't discover. I've learned that these things we run from, tend to catch up to us in other forms. That form may be another person. It may come as an 'unexpected event'. It may even come through the difficulties of a stranger. Whatever the form, the manner in which we embrace it or resist it, matters. It matters because our action or inaction could be the difference between going left or right---a life-changing moment. Or it can be a part of a series of steps that will lead you to somewhere wonderful that you just aren't aware of yet. I have learned: things aren't always revealed to us when we want them to be or when we think we deserve them to be. It is a lesson of faith.

There is much cleansing that comes from truth and facing the hurts and the joys it brings. I think sometimes we hold on to hurts in our hearts and we just don't want to let go of them because we think that place it has in our heart can't be replaced by anything else, let alone something good. We fear the loss and we fear the feeling of emptiness. So we hold on even though we may know that what we are holding is stale and over. What we don't realize in the moment is that it prevents us from giving and receiving. Specifically, it holds one back from loving. Until one day when we are ready and find our clarity, we make the decision to let go. It's a bittersweet kind of moment. But at the end of the emotion there is triumph. There is a peace in knowing that you are a better person. It allows for more loving; of oneself and towards others. It allows others to love you better. It brings shape to your life. It reveals to you the strength of your spirit. Most importantly, it shows you that you have the power to heal yourself through self-love. I think its one of the most important lessons to learn in life. I feel thankful to know this tonight.

"A few times I've been around that track So it's not just gonna happen like that"

2005-05-12T22:24:00.000-07:00

I think a lot in the car. I just realized that today as I was driving. I think about everything, sometimes things just pop into my head like, 'I like so and so'. Or I come up with a great idea. Or I think about someone I know who is struggling with something or I think of my own struggles and how I can work on those.

Speaking of which, prayers are sure answered in funny (as in ironic) ways. I had one of those funny/ironic lessons yesterday. Just a warning: ask to be humbled (as I have been for the last couple of days) and the resulting possibilities are endless. Things of the following nature might happen to you: being approached by salespeople in the middle of a parking lot trying to sell you something when you've had little sleep and food, not to mention you have dirty clothes and bad hair as you've spent the last few hours working in a dust factory. The main thing on your mind is 'I want to go home'. Meanwhile, you're trying to muster up as much understanding you can and not be rude to someone who's trying to do their job, granted not in the most convenient location or timing for you. Plus, you're not enjoying the person's sales tactics which includes talking a lot and not wanting you to talk, but just agree with what they say. To top it all off, the salesperson let's you know that you don't look very excited at the prospect of their 'awesome deal'. Although this ordeal took a mere few minutes of my time, it sure was significant because it made me feel inadequate and powerless. I can look at the situation now and find it amusing, but in that moment there was nothing to laugh about. It was just an awkward moment in which I felt I didn't handle very well. Later I realized that I did the best I could in that situation and that is a lesson I have been trying to learn for the last year or so. And that my friends, is definitely humbling.

Moral: Ask and you shall receive. Oh, and also, timing is everything.

"Oh simple thing where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on So tell me when you're gonna let me in;

2005-05-04T12:34:00.000-07:00

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin"

Sometimes there is this need to express. I have this need often or else I become stifled in my thoughts. I wonder what the world would be like if people were restrained from expressing......

So, what I will do now is say a farewell to a friend of mine who is moving away. I will say that there are few people in this life who have a natural ability to bring light into peoples' lives. She's the kind of person who remains true to her values. Always ready to laugh. A good girl. I'm going to miss a lot of things about her. Most of all though, I wish that she will have a wonderful spring/summer in her new home! Now, let there be cheesecake and tea in the name of Elmo!

"Give a little bit of heart and soul; Give a little bit of love to grow"

2005-04-30T03:11:00.000-07:00

I heard the above song on the radio the other day and I immediately thought: Bart Scruggs. And I listened to the song and smiled. I went to high school with him and he was in my grade 8 science class. He was a short boy with long hair and floppy bangs that he sometimes wore off his face, parted in the middle. He was a 'rocker'. He smoked. And he wore white high tops with jeans and a jean jacket most of the time. In science class I sat at the same table as he did. It was assigned seating, which meant that a choice 'trouble maker' was usually seated beside me. Teachers often used me for that purpose. I guess I was supposed to be the good 'role model'. I didn't mind it at all because I got to know certain people in a way I probably wouldn't have.

Maybe it's because I didn't see myself very differently from Bart Scruggs, that I felt comfortable in those situations. After all, one day out of the blue when we were sitting in class, he sang the words 'Give a little bit of heart and soul, Give a little bit of love to grow' and I thought he was quite a good singer. I liked the song. So we had something in common.

I wonder if he ever remembers me. I doubt he would. I wonder if he'd be surprised that I have this memory of him etched in my mind. Whenever I hear that song, I think about when he sang it. I remember a playful boy who was sometimes rebellious and didn't always have the best manners.... but I thought he could sing, and he left an impression without knowing it. If I were to see Bart someday I'd hug him and tell him about my memory of him. I'd let him know that I was glad Mrs. D had him sit beside me in science class.

"I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin out loud And I know you'll use them however you want to"

2005-04-25T15:55:00.000-07:00

Conversations with Mom

I walk into the kitchen

Mom (from the couch in front of the TV): Eat some of the lettuce I brought today.

Me: Whaaaat?

Mom: I brought some lettuce today and you have to eat some with your dinner.

Me: But I already have a whole box of lettuce I have to eat!

Mom: But this is good lettuce.

Me: All lettuce is the same.
(I walk over to look at the lettuce mom is talking about)

Mom: This lettuce tastes very good. (still from the couch)

Me: This looks like normal lettuce to me.

Mom: It's very tasty because I chopped it myself.

Me: Mooooooom! (I sit down and start to eat the lettuce).

The moral: Mothers win most of the time.

"When you've got all night for Love; I see you and me there; Well maybe our time isn't now; But it will come around..."

2005-04-17T01:29:00.000-07:00

If anyone knows that song, well you will be my friend for life. It's a song that my brother and I both liked. I can pretty much say that I don't think anyone will know it, but if there is someone out there who does...... it will make me very happy.

On happiness: I've been thinking a lot these past few days about happiness and sadness. Experiencing and thinking. What makes me happy and what makes me feel sad and why? How do we keep happiness alive in ourselves when there seems to be sadness that floats around us? Am I making a difference doing what I do each day? How can I be less consumed with my doubts? I read something that gave me a very good answer to my questions and it brought me some peace. So I have included it below.

Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others' actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others' activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.

Nor is it so remarkable that our greatest joy should come when we are motivated by concern for others. But that is not all. We find that not only do altruistic actions bring about happiness but they also lessen our experience of suffering. Here I am not suggesting that the individual whose actions are motivated by the wish to bring others' happiness necessarily meets with less misfortune than the one who does not. Sickness, old age, mishaps of one sort or another are the same for us all. But the sufferings which undermine our internal peace -- anxiety, doubt, disappointment -- these things are definitely less. In our concern for others, we worry less about ourselves. When we worry less about ourselves an experience of our own suffering is less intense.

What does this tell us? Firstly, because our every action has a universal dimension, a potential impact on others' happiness, ethics are necessary as a means to ensure that we do not harm others. Secondly, it tells us that genuine happiness consists in those spiritual qualities of love, compassion, patience, tolerance and forgiveness and so on. For it is these which provide both for our happiness and others' happiness.

~Ethics for a New Millennium, by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

After I read this, I felt complete. And I believe that's what most people are looking for when they ask questions; they seek completeness. I often do. I find most of the time I am able to find it, in ways that I can't really predict and sometimes can't explain. But I do know when something feels right and I believe that when that feeling comes over you, it's a form of happiness. And that's when I know I've found what I'm searching for.

"Whatever happened to the values of humanity? Whatever happened to the fairness in equality? Instead of spreading love we're spreading animosity"

2005-04-01T17:55:00.000-08:00

What happens when someone decides to take a possession away from you? Be it through vandalism or stealing, it causes damage and loss. Material and emotional. A few years ago, I would have defined the damage and loss of something material AS material and amend the loss through a replacement of the material thing. i.e. ‘I can’t believe someone took my ___ , now I have to get a new one.’ Replacement of the possession would “fix” the problem. However, at this moment in time my definition has changed-- I see first a material loss as a disrespect to my hard work. A violation of the sacrifices that I have made to have something that serves a purpose in my life above materiality. It is a hurt inflicted upon the heart that you put into the smallest task in the process of earning a dollar. What is most significant is not the dollars that you are able to readily spend (because anyone can do that or appear to do that) as a result of what you earn, but it is the manner and attitude by which you earn it. I think true wealth comes from this. I guess when you’ve lived a life of riches where things can be replaced with ease, you never really have a chance to learn that lesson in a physical sense, unless you seek out an opportunity to do so.

On an aside, I am thinking about the Pope and it almost seems trite to send him blessings. However, giving blessings are always humbling, inspiring, and a testimony of the power of humanity. That is a lesson that can be taught and learned through life and through death. And everything becomes a little more clearer.

"Long live the Queen; And I'll be the King; In the collar of Grace."

2005-03-14T23:50:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I've got a lot on my mind. The weeks go by so fast, too fast it seems at times. I don't think I've ever had as full days as I have been experiencing the last three months. When you are working on making changes in your life, it takes up a lot of time and energy and at times it's so overwhelming. I have this eternal voice in my head (imaginary, not real) that keeps reminding me of why I am doing the things I do. A reminder of the personal plan that I've set out for myself. I wonder if other people have that little voice. I find it speaks to me at least once a day but most of the time more than once. As I'm sitting here typing, I think I've just figured out that it's something I ask for all the time-- wisdom. It's the one thing I am always asking for, along with patience. I think I just answered my question about the little voice. Sometimes, reassurance is all one needs to believe.

Tonight
You arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth
In the form of your body
With the wrath of a god
You stood by me
And I'll stand by my
Belief

"Overjoyed..."

2005-02-28T23:23:00.000-08:00

As I was telling my friend yesterday, I think Stevie Wonder is an amazing artist. An all-time favorite of mine. I don't know how to describe it exactly but his songs just give such an energy that makes you reach this point of love and appreciation-- enough to make you weep. My parents owned the Songs in the Key of Life vinyl. Yes, I said vinyl. It was his popular record in the late 70s. I remember the big booklet insert in the double vinyl jacket with all the lyrics to the songs that I used to read over and over again.

Overjoyed is one of my favorites because of the element of vulnerableness yet strong faith that he weaves through the song. It portrays an emotion that we've all felt and have wished that we were brave enough to express:

Over hearts, I have painfully turned every stone

Just to find, I had found what I've searched to discover

I've come much too far for me now to find

The love that I've sought can never be mine

And though you don't believe that they do

They do come true

For did my dreams

Come true when I looked at you

And maybe too, if you would believe

You too might be

Overjoyed, over loved, over me

And though the odds say improbable

What do they know

For in romance

All true love needs is a chance

And maybe with a chance you will find

You too like I

Overjoyed, over loved, over you, over you

I think everyone deserves someone in life who is sure. Sure to be there when you need them, and when you don't think you need them. Sure to love you when at times you don't love yourself. Sure to have faith when you find it difficult. Sure to say for you, the things that you feel but are afraid to say. I think these things would make anyone feel overjoyed.

"I rock the Fetish; People you know who I am."

2005-02-19T11:51:00.000-08:00

Props to my friend (and personal fashion consultant) Ricardo, who's doing fresh stuff on MTV Canada's 969.

This kid's insightful and he got skillz. Check out what he does if you're interested. He says 'hi' to everyone. Point and click on the green monkey above.

"Life is one big stage; And it's all the rage."

2005-02-13T19:30:00.000-08:00

The 47th Grammy Awards are on tonight. There's a history with this award's show with my family. Well, any awards show for that matter. We're big awards show people. When I was growing up, we'd always congregate in front of the TV and root for our favorites-- it was a special night. And yes, we'd watch ALL the show, not just certain parts. My parents would let us stay up past our bedtime to watch and tell us to go to bed right after. They always let us watch the whole thing.

I remember feeling like I was a part of something special, watching people win their awards. I know that it probably didn't seem like a big deal to some, and it's not like I'd ever know any of those celebrities. But when you're a kid, you don't think about that. Well, at least I didn't. I just wanted to watch people win and feel like I was a part of it somehow; it allowed me to dream of the possibilities of what I could accomplish. I think most of us as children feel that way about ourselves, but in the midst of growing up, we lose that, or it's harder to remember that our possibilities are endless. I am trying to refresh my memory on that. I have been thinking about my achievements in life that were significant to me, dating back to my earliest childhood memories. It's an interesting exercise to go back in time and be reminded of the things that you were most proud of in your earlier years. I think everyone should try and come up with 15 achievements, not necessarily things that others would feel were important, but things that made you feel good or proud. It opens the door to new possibilities. Funny how the past sometimes does hold the key, or at least a good reminder of the key you hold in the present.

Good luck to all my favorites (that means you) tonight.

"You can say I'm one curly fry in the box of regular; Messing with the flavor oh the flavor that you savor.'

2005-02-09T01:00:00.000-08:00

This quote sums up nicely what has been on my mind as of late:

"The price of self-destiny is never cheap and in certain circumstances it's unthinkable, but to achieve the marvelous it's precisely the unthinkable that must be thought."

-Tom Robbins

"Life is not what I thought it was twenty-four hours ago; Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You."

2005-01-30T14:59:00.000-08:00

Once there was a man who was 55 and better. Grampa. On many occasions there would be this budgie who would fly over to his house. It must have escaped from his home and wanted to visit someone else. One day, Grandpa decided to keep Budgie because he came over so often, and Budgie became his pet. Grampa and Budgie loved each other. They had good times together. Budgie would fly out of his cage every day and sit on Grampa's shoulder and give him kisses on the cheek. They were family.
One day Budgie flew out of his cage and sat on Grampa's shoulder like he usually did. He gave Grampa a kiss on the cheek, but this time instead of going back to his cage, he sat on top of Grampa's hand. Budgie took a couple of deep breaths, closed his eyes, and passed on. Grampa was heartbroken. He was very sad and he cried a lot over the loss of Budgie. However, they had a wonderful eight years together. Companions till the end.

When my mom told me this a couple of days ago, it really touched me. I had to try very hard not to cry because it was the sweetest thing I'd heard in a long time. It's a true story. Grampa is actually my second uncle, but I refer to him as Grampa. I've never had a pet, but loving a pet and being loved by one is quite powerful from what I see. I hope Grampa will find another another special pet to share his time with. I'm sure Budgie would want that.

"My clothes are worn and gritty; And I know ugliness; Now show me something pretty."

2005-01-27T02:01:00.000-08:00

Amy correctly guessed the Jan 25th song....

The Champa flower is a flower of the East. The Beloved flower of the country Laos. In fact, there is a national song about the Champa flower:

Champa Flower, you have stood by my side since I was young.
Your fragrance is significant; in my heart it stands with love and affection.
I treasure your sweet scent, for when I feel lonely, I can breathe in your sweet fragrance, My Dear Sweet Champa.
Your delicate fragrance is like my long lost friend. You have been a beautiful flower since the beginning of time, My Dear Champa Flower, My Beloved Flower.

Beloved's blossoms.

The Champa flower holds much spiritual significance. Its scent used for devotional ceremonies. Aromatic traditions and symbolism are extensively used in Indian culture to illustrate the power of living. Just like the Champa flower kisses us with its sweet fragrance as it is awoken by the sun, we are too awakened by spirituality that lifts us, moves us, and allows us to flow our goodness effortlessly through the world-- a blessing.

The Champa flower holds personal significance. It is also beloved by me. In the form of incense and essential oil, that is. It has a sweet and exotic smell, one could say at times intoxicating. The incense itself has been around for several years. This scent holds a special place with me because it takes me back to my childhood and good memories. It was the only incense we burned in my home since I was a little girl. My dad used the incense to 'smudge' us when we were little. Meaning: using the hands to wash the scent over you. It's used as a part of blessing, cleansing, and healing.

Nag Champa has become a popular incense. The incense combines the scent of the Champa flower along with other spices. If you want to try the incense, go to any Indian grocer and buy it there. You'll find it for super cheap, as opposed to any novelty stores that carry it.

What does all this have to do with Amy (Pea)? Amy means Beloved. Amy = Beloved. I think after reading the above, the connection is quite clear. Anything for a girl who says I am 'practically her sister'.

It's amazing how when you take the time to think about a person, the thought of them inspires you with the flow of words, feelings, and connections. It is truly meaningful. The ability to create meaning I think is one of the keys to a happy life.

I'm glad I sat down and made time to write this. I've had a taxing week and in the midst of one particular stress, a kind person asked me what they could do for me. 'What can I do for you?'. Eloquent words.... inspiring me to write this tonight.

May golden Champa blooms decorate your dreams..... :)

'And I'm so excited, I haven't spoken'

2005-01-25T02:14:00.000-08:00

Sarah correctly guessed the January 14th song...

The name Sarah means Princess. Princess flowers, also known as Glory flowers, come from the Melastomataceae Family. There are over 5 000 species in the Princess Family. Botonist Frank Almeda states they are called Princess flowers because their beauty is, 'fit for a Princess'. I took a look at these flowers myself, and I agree. Frank is a smart man. I found this flower and basically, it said Sarah to me. Yes, it spoke to me. Species Urvilleana (ur-VIL-ah-nuh). With a purple bloom. I call it Sarah's flower now. I think it's quite fitting.

Sarah's flower.

Isn't it great when you can find a new way to appreciate a person? We should do this more often. I'll go to sleep on that good thought.

"What goes around; comes around; what goes up; must come down"

2005-01-18T12:53:00.001-08:00

Enough rain for you? It seems like that's all we've been seeing on the news lately. Everything seems to be weather related in the world. Mother nature. She's got something to tell us, doesn't she? Attention seekers usually have something they want to say, but don't exactly know how to. Maybe they think their voices won't be heard. Or maybe no one will care enough to listen. Maybe they are afraid of rejection. Maybe heavy rainfall is what we need sometimes to listen to what's going on outside of our own worlds. I think it forces us to use our other senses.

Peace.

"When shadows fill our day; Lead us to a place; Guide us with your grace..."

2005-01-14T20:11:00.000-08:00

We all have so much to be thankful for in our everyday lives. I have thought a lot about this today in relation to the events in Asia. If you haven't contributed yet, please help the people affected by the Tsunami disaster. They have lost everything- their loved ones, their livelihoods and their homes. These are things we take for granted everyday. I know that I do. I can't imagine what life would look like if I was to lose the things I depend on so much at different moments in time, let alone all at once.

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Thank you.