I need a different now Where we can wear each other for awhile I'll lend you my tears if I can borrow your smile We'll get through tomorrow somehow

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. Maybe it is this time of year that brings with it a reflection of the events of the past months and of life in general. When I think it's almost like being at one with your body and looking outwards to something at the same time. I know it probably doesn't make sense to many. But this is what happens to me. It's funny b/c when i see other people doing this, I know exactly what it is. My mom does the same thing. Last week at work, I was at the sink and this lady said to me, you look like you are somewhere far away. She was right. In that moment, it's hard to explain to someone where you actually are because I wonder if they understand and I wonder if they would really want to know?

The truth is, I have been thinking a lot about my Grandparents lately, reflecting on my memories of them, and missing them. They came to Canada twice and lived with us for a short period of time. Once when I was in grade three and once when i was in grade 12. Little did I know about the circumstances under which I would see them again. It was in 1997 at my Grandma's funeral in Fiji, where I would see my Grandpa again. He didn't even recognize who I was because he was very ill. I probably looked very different to him. He looked very different to me. He was so small and frail, so unlike the way I remembered him. He had been very sick and had been given wrong medication for his illness. He was being taken to the hospital in the ambulance and my Grandma accompanied him. She was the one who died unexpectedly by the time they got to the hospital. Ironic-- she would talk about how she would want to die before my Grandpa because she felt like it would be too hard to live without him. It was a shock to all of us when she went. When they finally told my Grandpa in the hospital that she was gone, he said that he already knew. They have such an interesting love story of how they met and lived and one day I will definitely write about it.

I remember this one night that I asked God that if he wanted to take my Grandpa too that it would be okay if he wanted to go. I think that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. I was trying to be selfless and I thought it shouldn't really matter what is more bearable to me, because I still had life to live and my Grandpa deserved the quality of life that he had lived for, so maybe if I acknowledged that, then something good would come to him. I just didn't want him to suffer. I loved him so much. He was my mom's idol. Yes, she idolized him and in her eyes he could do no wrong, even though he had his faults just like anyone else did. He was a very loving man, I saw it in the way he treated others, very soft and kind.

He got better and stronger throughout the funeral and everything else that was going on during that time. I did get a chance to get to know him again and bond with him. I have this memory of standing in front of my Grandpa who was sitting down and telling him that I was going to put socks on his feet because it was cold. And then I did. I know it may sound strange, but this memory is so vivid for me because I felt like it was one thing I could do to take care of him. I hope he knew how loved he was at that time. Because I sure did.

It was during this moment in time that I truly learned what loving and being loved was all about. I had always been afraid of it, running from it in one way or another, or not really understanding my responsibility in it. The day I said goodbye to my Grandpa to come home, was the day that I realized the depth of my capacity to love. After I came home from that trip, my life changed forever. I just began doing things better, more accurately, putting more of myself into the things I did. It is hard to explain in words. But it was a kind of taking stock in life and letting go of the unhealthy and starting the path towards the things I really wanted. It was the beginning of a transition. Three years later, my Grandpa died, and it was right before I would be starting yet another significant moment in life that I had worked so hard to attain in the previous three years. The cycle of death and birth/rebirth is amazing. It's a testimony to how we are all connected.

I wish that I had more time with my Grandparents. I hope they know how much I love them and how even though I didn't have them in my life as much as I would have liked, they were important to me and did something greater for me than they (or I) could understand. And I think knowing that makes missing them more bearable.

The rhymes you hear are the rhymes of Darryl's But each and every year we bust Christmas carrols

The Lost Star Trek Christmas Episode: "A Most Illogical Holiday" (1968)

Mr. Spock, with his pointy ears, is hailed as a messiah on a wintry world where elves toil for a mysterious master, revealed to be Santa just prior to the first commercial break. Santa, enraged, kills Ensign Jones and attacks the Enterprise in his sleigh. As Scotty works to keep the power flowing to the shields, Kirk and Bones infiltrate Santa's headquarters.

With the help of the comely and lonely Mrs. Claus, Kirk is led to the heart of the workshop, where he learns the truth: Santa is himself a pawn to a master computer, whose initial program is based on an ancient book of children's Christmas tales. Kirk engages the master computer in a battle of wits, demanding the computer explain how it is physically possible for Santa to deliver gifts to all the children in the universe in a single night. The master computer, confronted with this computational anomaly, self-destructs; Santa, freed from mental enslavement, releases the elves and begins a new, democratic society. Back on the ship, Bones and Spock bicker about the meaning of Christmas, an argument which ends when Scotty appears on the bridge with egg nog made with Romulan Ale.

Filmed during the series' run, this episode was never shown on network television and was offered in syndication only once, in 1975. Star Trek fans hint the episode was later personally destroyed by Gene Roddenberry. Rumor suggests Harlan Ellison may have written the original script; asked about the episode at 1978's IgunaCon II science fiction convention, however, Ellison described the episode as "a quiescently glistening cherem of pus."

Couldn't have said it better myself. Sorry Trekkies.

I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas filled with good food, friends, family and laughter. Peace.

And the joke is When he awoke his Body was covered in coke fizz

I was going through some of my old writing and came across an account of a trip to Victoria that my cousin 'Shaft' and I went on last year. I never finished the story (I hope to someday!) and no one has read what I have so far.... here is a little excerpt:

Pre-lood

This time I wasn’t given much time to decide whether or not the destination of Victoria would be in my future. As you remember (and I know you do), my cousin Shaft and I took our mom’s on our very first overnight weekender to Victoria. Little did we know that we’d be visiting again a over a year later. Life is funny, isn’t it?


Girlz ‘n da Hood

It was Wednesday, October 27, 2004 and I was busy studying for my Accounting midterm that I had to write that evening. I was wearing my white hoodie w/ the hood over my head. Underneath my hood was a mass of unwashed bad hair that wasn’t sure if it was curly, straight or wavy. Pause. I know what most of you are thinking :’Fatima never has bad hair and she doesn't even know what bad hair feels like’--- but I do! I do! Continue. I looked like some crazy woman. I think I truly believed that wearing my hood was preventing any vital information from evaporating from the top of my head. After all, that’s how heat escapes. And isn’t heat linked to brainwaves? And aren’t waves just another term for information? Pretty self explanatory I think.

Exams just do something to you. Maybe it’s the pressure of what a test signifies. You either do well or you don’t. You either meet your expectations or you don’t. You either fail or pass. I’d never describe myself as competitive with other people, however, I’ve got a case of fierce competitiveness against myself. I needed all the help I could get.


That's all you guys are getting. Good night!

I can't do the long division Will someone do the math?

I just wanted to see what lunch time blogging is all about. It's FUN. I have a meeting in 15 minutes. Better go back to the officina now....

I want to travel through time See your surprise Hold you so tight I'm counting down the days tonight....

Let's commemorate. A few minutes before midnight I finished my last final exam for this semester. Joy!

Today was my Uncle's 42nd birthday. We went out for a family dinner. I was glad Brian and Nick were there. Brian just got his driver's license. Oh to be 16 again.... no thanks. We all shared this fried banana dessert with ice cream. Nick noted that the ice cream scoop had 'silver balls' on it. He got a talking to from his dad about that. Hey cousin, those are called sprinkles! Use the correct terminology. He proceeded to say that the bananas looked like 'caca'. Excuse my cousin, he is a seeker of attention and a self proclaimed entertainer. Plus, he is 11 years old. But so loveable. I could just sit there and watch his antics all day long. He is self-amused. And when I say self-amused I mean he talks to himself and makes faces and is constantly using his imagination to do something or other. But the thing is, that he has this deepness that he shows once in a while and a unique insight for an 11 year old. Children are so fascinating.

Nick did not want to hug or kiss me when I left. He gets embarassed with that sort of stuff. In that moment, he shifts into escape mode. I was amused.

The owner of the restaurant knew my dad and when my mom and I walked in he asked my mom how she was related to my dad. Ha ha. I knew where this was going. She said I am his wife. Lightbulb flash. Later the owner told my dad that my mom looked like she was 26. That basically made my mom's night. We have the young looking genes in our family. My dad is a lucky man.

Now that school is over for a few weeks, I can spend my time doing the things I love-- lots of yoga and getting to see all the people who I don't get to see as often as I'd like. Christmas stuff of course, and I plan to finish the book I've been reading. It will be nice to come home from a day of work and know that I don't have another 4 hours of work to do. Right now I am really tired, but I feel so good and happy. It's the kind of tired you bask in because you know you've put in a good day and you've earned it. Well, I think i've put in a good 3 months. I am excited about the surprises that await me in the next 3.

You might see a different man But baby here I am

Found another humorous article on this ever entertaining website. Click to the left to navigate to "The Politics of Pie". I especially enjoy the links the article makes between pie eating characteristics and men. I've excerpted below:

'Pie is a window to a man's soul, a lens by which you can see his true nature and know the measure of his worth. You won't be able to take it all in, not in one slice of pie, not in a thousand. Pie is so revealing -- especially rhubarb pie. But to start with, you can choose several traits and look to confirm their presence.'

'What pie reveals is how well a man can identify his hunger. How large and looming is that hunger? Can he name it? How does he meet it? How does he greet it? In the feast of life, will he save room for the pie?

These are very good things to know about men.'

Indeed.

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well...

Over the weekend, I attended my first Christmas party of the season, specifically a 'Santa Soiree' as my friend termed it. It was a great party. Ask me if you want details.

I am sitting there, flipping through my friend's (and Christmas party host) new photo album of various volleyball trips he's taken over the past several months and strikingly I spot this guy who I went to school. He was my buddy from senior high. 10 years since I'd seen him I think. Sitting there and looking at the pictures, I found out that he plays volleyball with my friend and that he was going to be at the party. Small world isn't it?

When we saw each other it was like high school for me. Except I like to think I look a lot different and that no one would recognize me now. I know it's silly, but I always think that people I went to school with won't recognize me. Maybe it's because I have an extra good memory of all the people I went to school with and I assume that their memories aren't as vivid. What can I say, I'm vivid, sometimes too much so. Popular or unpopular, I remember significant things about each person. As Laura is apt to say, 'Fatima knows the first and last names of everyone we went to school with.' Well, I like names, that's why. Names should be remembered and used as often as possible.

I've included a pic of the 'reunion' of me and my high school bud, Tony. I find Dean in the background eating the cake I brought quite humorous.... so I didn't crop him out. It was Hedgehog cake from Sweet Obsessions. I didn't even get to taste it, but everyone else seemed to enjoy it a lot. I felt that cake in the early morning hours wouldn't be a good idea. I've been having a craving for it ever since.... sigh.

Looking at that picture I'm thinking hey so that's what I look like at 2am.....

Tony and I @ Santa Soiree Dec.03.2005

Drench yourself in words unspoken; Live your life with arms wide open; Today is where your book begins; The rest is still unwritten

Have you ever come across something that you felt explained your feelings? I always look forward to the 'thought of the week' that we have at work. This week's was very significant for me because it talked about something that is on my mind a lot: Questions and the purpose in them. This poem touched me so much because it relflects the struggle in not knowing the answers, yet the beauty and greater purpose that lies within. Not that I have to explain this to many, but I have always been a person who likes to know the answers, and in some parts of life that can be productive. However, a lesson that I have learned is that sometimes understanding the questions are more important and productive than focussing on the answer. Answers come in many different forms, I think at times under the guise of questions.

I leave you with the poem:

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart.
And try to love the questions themselves.
Do not seek the answers that cannot be given you
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it,
live along some distant day into the answer."

-Rainer Maria Rilke, taken from "Letters to a Young Poet," 1929

And through a fractal on that breaking wall; I see you my friend and touch your face again

Love that song. I don't even mind that Alanis has redone it. I enjoy her version too. Tell me you like that song (if you know what it is).

I have to say that I'm very satisfied with my ergonomic mouse. It's so comfortable to use and I don't get the bruising to my wrist bone that I'm susceptible to. When I went to one of the more popular supply stores, the salesperson questioned me on my choice after he told me they didn't carry the type I was looking for. He said most people didn't like that kind. Well, I took that opportunity to school him on why it was beneficial to me. Plus, I'm not like most people. If he knew that, he would have understood.

I think everyone should have someone in their life that makes them feel happy and glowing. I think the best thing in the world is when someone is exciting to you and you see them and you get a happy sensation. Don't you think?

Last week was quite taxing at work. I still feel I’m trying to prove myself. Such is life in the world of career advancement.

Fast forward to today. First two days at the new locale is great. It's so nice to end your day and be home in two minutes. It makes me feel like I can't complain about anything. In our building, they have these cool air vents on the floors that blow fresh air into the office. Very cool, I've never seen anything like it. Just don't kneel on one because you might skin your knee. Air quality is so important in an office environment. Just ask someone who's work in any environment with bad air quality (like me).

Monday, November 21st, 2005 was the first day of my life that I came home for lunch on a workday. I challenge everyone to find a 'first' that they have done this week. Intentional or not. Imagine how life would be if you never had any firsts as an adult? Sometimes we forget about acknowledging our 'firsts', but I think we should note them. It reminds us of how much we still have to learn and experience. It also brings us closer to the way we looked at things in awe in childhood. It's easy to lose that as we pass through to adulthood.

The last couple of days my thoughts have been gravitating towards a friend of mine who is in Africa right now. She is doing some humanitarian work there for orphaned children/ children living with HIV/AIDS. Hoping she is safe tonight.... Peace.

Are you prepared to take a dive into the deep end of my head? Are you listening to a single word I've said?

It has been a while since I've written. So much going on. Life is so positive right now. Not without stress, but there's no negativity and I love that. Next week my office will move closer to wear I live. Score! When I say closer, I mean close enough that I can walk to the office sipping my tea. I could even go home for lunch! I've always had long commutes for work and this will be sooo nice. Plus, there will be lots of people in the new office so that is a double score---new people to meet and get to know. I think about 50 or so, not counting the rest of the organizations that will be housed in the Tower.
Today at lunch we were thinking of topics we could bring up at the new lunch room at the new building to clear the men out of the room and make it the ladies lunch room only. I came up with some zingers and got some laughs from the ladies. The ones we came up with were as follows:

1. Menopause
2. Childbirth (my idea)
3. General hygiene i.e smelling armpit and saying, 'did I wear deodorant today?'
4. Feminine hygiene products (another one of mine)
5. And the one that got the biggest laugh ( and was my idea): Talk about anything related to 'your feelings', that will surely clear out all the men from any room, everytime.

Good times, no?

"The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes."
___________________________William DAVIS___________

Working so hard every night and day; and now we get the pay back; Trying so hard saving up the paper; Now we get to lay back

What a week it's been. To answer Daman's question, yes I did get that job. If anyone wants details, ask me privately and I'll give you the scoop. I got a call on Monday and they wanted me to start on Tuesday. What a strange existence I have been living -- so many changes happening so quickly. I'm working at a different location and in a different division. Apparently, someone left 'suddenly' and they called up asking for me. Well well well. It has been an exhausting week as this was also my midterm week. This job put a wrench in my study plans you could say. One more midterm tomorrow and I will be done.

I have to say that I have been at the office 4 days and I feel so comfortable there. The people are so friendly, laid back and funny. I only knew them through emails and phone calls here and there when I was at my other location, so it was interesting on my first day putting faces to the names I have seen often. They totally made me feel welcome and I could tell there was one person especially who was looking out for me all week. She is great. On my second day she pointed out gently that at lunch time 'we eat in the kitchen, not at our desks', which is what I did on my first day. I guess I am just conditioned to do that. When I have a lot of work to do, I just eat at my desk and keep working. It was nice that someone actually cared enough to point it out to me. Needless to say, I won't be eating at my desk anymore. I don't think I've experienced that sort of environment in the corporate workplace before. Plus, the IGA deli is so good. Score! I got the Florentine Panini twice this week. I am a sucker for a good deli. My ideal workplace must have a great deli within walking distance. And a great coffee shop. Panorama is a great area to work in. I mean, our offices are literally 5 steps away from the Big Ridge Brewery. Can't get much better than that. Oh, and just for P-dot, the McDooggles is just a short walk away. Filet o' Fish Fridays, anyone? Extra Tar-TAR sawce.

Tonight I attended DougW's retirement dinner. He is a Corporal I worked with when I was at the RCMP. I can't believe it's been over two years since I had been there. It feels like a lifetime ago. Bev told me that I was 'glowing'. She still has her perfectly manicured long nails. She was wearing some kind of 'mood nail polish' that changes colour with the heat. DougG of course made fun of me saying 'remember all those times you told me, just wait until I meet your wife, I'm going to tell her all about the WAY you are? Well, she is here and you can tell her.' I don't know, but for some reason, I got really shy all of a sudden and I didn't know what to say. I mean, his wife was sitting right there and she was really nice, I'm sure. And then DougG was like, 'hey you are turning red!'. I was like no I'm not. He embarassed me and I don't get embarassed that easily. Leave it to Doogie. I mean, I couldn't say things about him to his wife! Then she said, 'I know all about the way he is.' Saved.

DougW got a lot of cool presents. We got him a silver desk clock engraved with his years of service. And his unit members got him a palm pilot and accessories to go with it. He's all hooked up now. I don't know anyone who deserves a nice farewell more than DougW. He has got to be the nicest man ever. Everyone always says the same thing about him: he never says anything bad about anyone. Never utters a bad word or talks badly about others, even if they are being mean or rude. He doesn't have one ioda of mean spirit in him. Not one. You would know what I was talking about if you knew him. He has such a good heart. Speaking of hearts, he has a mechancial valve in his heart and he showed me a replica of it once. It's pretty cool what they can do with technology. He can even hear the valve in his heart opening and closing sometimes. Maybe that's why he is the way he is..... he's got this intimate connection with his heart that most people don't have. I think that's pretty amazing.

Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band; Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man

A display of my portrait editing skills.
Mo and I on her birthday Jan.09.2005

There's a rug with bleeding dye under the fan in the room; Where the passion's burning high; By the chair with the leopard skin under the light...

My mom gave me this magnet today that had a picture of a cartoon guy on it, wearing a blue suit. He looked quite happy. This is what the magnet said,

"THE REAL OPPORTUNITY FOR SUCCESS LIES WITHIN THE PERSON...NOT IN THE JOB!"

Fitting, given my current work/school situation. It surprises me how much my mom and I are alike sometimes. After all, I am my mother's daughter. Got to give her some credit. Thanks for your deepness, ma.

I've been lonely but I know I'll be okay; Good love is on the way

I'm sitting here, but what I really should be doing is going to bed. My behavior would be scolded by Laura. Not only did she scold me for not having my dinner until much too late, but I confessed to her that I only had about 3 hours of sleep last night. I worked then did homework for the rest of the day. She would be appalled that I have not gone to bed yet. However, I felt like I needed to write a little. It's nice that I have someone who will scold me. Someone who cares about the fact that I 'forgot' to eat or that I didn't get enough sleep and wants to know why. Some people go throughout the day, not believing that anyone cares about them.

I guess when someone cares about you, you should just let them. Why does that seem like such a hard thing to do sometimes? It's because of the V word. Vulnerability. It can pick you up and twirl you around in the sky until you feel like you're flying and then spiral you down and drill a hole to the depths of the ocean floor just as quickly. Sometimes you want to pull the chute. Other times you need the search and rescue. Most times, you probably just need to open your eyes and see the ground steady below. Or as my beloved friend of yesterday, Travis would say, look to the stars and know that when you look up there in our everchanging lives, that there's something in this universe that stays constant. Actually, that wasn't Travis, that was me who said that. We were in Smithers, BC of all places. Those stars were the most beautiful I ever saw- big, bright, and alive. I felt like they were reachable and I could touch them.

Maybe that's why God gives us the gift of vulnerability. After all, when we are in that state, we are more innocent and humble, almost childlike. And like the stars- big, bright, and alive. Maybe if we embraced our vulnerabilities and saw how beautiful they were, we could be more reachable to those who are waiting to touch our lives. It's something I will try and keep in mind this week. I think that is a nice thought to sleep on.

Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place; Where as a child I'd hide; And pray for the thunder and the rain; To quietly pass me by

Friday was my last official day of work. It was a nice and quiet day and I took my time doing the final tasks that were left. I came in that morning and instead of going up to my office, swung by the administration offices to find out where to get a United Way sticker for Jeans Day. Note that I'd never been in the Admin office before. I walked in a little out of breath b/c I had been walking too fast (not sure why), and stopped in front of the main desk. This lady looked up at me and said, 'Fatima.' like she knew me. I said, 'Uh, yeah!'. I was a little perplexed and she said, "I'm Mary Jane". And then I stopped and I just looked at her and my mind raced and my heart raced a little too, it raced to find her in my life somewhere. I could not place her and I was thinking you must know her! She got up and put a box on the counter and said that one of the managers wanted me to have it for my last day. Mary Jane said she had just called my office phone and left a voicemail message to come and pick it up. I told her that I hadn't gone up to my office yet and only came to the admin office in hopes to get a United Way sticker and I laughed. She said, "Really? We don’t have those here. I was wondering how you got here so fast after listening my message when I saw you standing there." Strange thing is, she's never seen me before….I told her that was just really strange how this all happened. She said she just looked at me and thought oh that's Fatima, very calmly. I think I just might love Mary Jane.

I peeked into the box and saw something very familiar. It was a glass swan with a rose it in. Why was this familiar to me? Because a few years ago, I received the same thing from my mom. She just brought it home one day to give to me-- for no reason. I got to my office and took it out of the box and looked at it and it was just too strange for me. I had that glass swan in my room for years and finally one day I packed it up and put it in storage. What are the odds that someone would give me that exact swan? Now I have two.

I got a couple thoughtful parting gifts that I really didn’t expect. It really made me feel like I made a difference in the short time I was there. One of the HR ladies in the office came to say goodbye to me and hugged me and told me she would be very interested in knowing where I end up and what becomes of me. She said she really enjoyed working with me. She is very much a motherly type. I have to admit, I almost cried, my eyes filled up with tears. When people say nice things to me like that, it's so powerful to me, that's why it moves me I guess. I packed up the last of my things, which was hardly anything at all, and said a couple more goodbyes. I don't particularly enjoy goodbyes, and I have been thinking about why that is and why I get emotional when people say nice things to me. I never really thought about it before but it makes sense to me now. It's because I easily love people. What I mean is that I just learn to love the people I meet or work with or somehow connect with. Even if they are a part of my life for a short moment in time. They mean something to me, I learn things from them that they probably don't even realize they are teaching me. They are a part of my life. It's one of my greatest sources of joy, but also one of sorrow because I find that as much as I let in, I have to let go.

I gathered my things and picked up the little cardboard box containing the glass swan. I stood in the doorway of my office and stopped and took one last look, one last breath before closing the door for the last time.

I stepped outside and as the tears welled up. I felt a little sad but then a sense of relief. Because, in many respects, I was leaving with more than what I came here with. And that felt good and I was thankful.

I drove to up to the parking attendant, Ken to pay my way out of the lot and Ken greeted me with the usual, "How is Fatima today?" I told him that it was my last day & we exchanged a few pleasantries. The last thing he said to me was, "I think I will see you again." That's just the way Ken is.

P.S- Andrea, speaking of profound movie experiences, you should go see Scared Sacred http://www.scaredsacred.org/ . I finally got to see it over the weekend and for some reason, I thought you would like to see it too. It will be at the Town Cinema on Oct 30th or 31st. Everyone should check it out, this is something worth seeing

I wanna run with a reckless emotion;Find out if love is the size of an ocean;Even if I crash down or burn out;At least I'm gonna know what it's like..

Since it's my last week of work at my current job, I thought this work quote would be fitting. We have a 'thought of the week' every Monday. It really gives me something to hold on to in my personal thoughts throughout the dynamics of the work week.

“Always you have been told that work is a curse and labour a misfortune.

But I say to you that when you work you fulfill a part of earth’s furthest dream, assigned to you when that dream was born,

And in keeping yourself with labour you are in truth loving life,

And to love life through labour is to be intimate with life’s inmost secret.”
--Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet

I think to love your work is so important. No matter what that job is, there is a purpose in it. I think you can even learn to love the purpose in a job even if you don't love the job itself. Sometimes unconditional love doesn't seem to exist when it comes to work. Isn't that funny? Finding purpose--it's half the battle in any aspect of life.

For example, if you stock shelves at a grocery store, it's because of you that buying food is made more convenient. Imagine if there was no one to place a can of soup on a shelf so that a mother could pick it up and put it in her shopping cart so she could take it home and feed her child. From one hand given to another, but hardly ever seen or recognized, let alone thought about. There is immense purpose and emotion in the smallest gesture. And yes, I do believe that gesture can be as simple as placing a can on a shelf.

When work becomes too much or perhaps not enough, know that every movement you make with your physical and mental self, has a purpose. Again purpose--I do a lot of this where when I'm struggling with something, I try to break it down to it's most simple elements to reveal what purpose it serves. Not always a pleasant experience but once I arrive at the realization it becomes more bearable. Purpose does make everything more bearable, doesn't it?

Here's to a week filled with labour and love for each of you.

Earth spins and your mind goes round; Green comes on the frozen ground; And everything will be made new again; Like freedom and spring

Had a bit of a scare today. I thought I had lost my little special cosmetic case with my lip glosses and lip liners in it. Perhaps this is not a very big deal to some, however, my lip essentials are just that to me: essential. I hardly ever lose things and when I do, it really bothers me. I had four lip glosses in there along with two lip liners. One of those glosses was brand new. The other three have done their time. When I thought I had lost them, I thought oh well that means I really only have to replace one b/c the other ones would be replaced soon anyways. I thought to myself, well at least I didn't lose my new red lip gloss (I had left that one on my dresser). Yes, red lip gloss! I was with Laura when I got it--I was wanting something different and fun. And red is a fun colour and you can achieve some good looks with it. I might even wear it to work tomorrow.
I'm excited about tomorrow b/c it's Jeans Day at work for the United Way and that means I don't have to wear dressy clothes. My workplace isn't overly dressy, but it's not a jeans environment. I just miss wearing my regular fun clothes. I only get to wear them on the weekends and that's not very much. I think Jeans Day should be every Friday or maybe even every second Friday. I think it makes people a bit more relaxed and they look forward to it, hence making more more pleasant and as a result it increases productivity. I'm going to be the bestest HR person ever! I'm going to do it all! Which reminds me, Shereen still hasn't given me back my Little House DVDs. I bet she loves them.
I am getting together with the old rcmp crew next month for a retirement party for one of the corporals I worked with. It's interesting how the old rcmp gang have all gone our separate ways but for some reason we have remained connected and we're still interested in each other and have kept tabs. That doesn't happen very often. It's actually quite a miracle considering we are from different backgrounds, ages and paths in life. Maybe it's because we all shared such an intense work experience with each other--- but I think it's because we all genuinely like each other aside from work. Looking back, it was a very significant time for each of us, not just in work but also in our personal lives. It was like a family of sorts. Funny, because the men that I worked with there were much older than me and were married with kids. However, I don't think i have ever felt more like a lady than I did around them. They always made me feel special and they were all very chivalrous. I remember when Gambs took Bumba and I to the special valentines party at the Mess Hall as his dates so we could get roses (becasue every girl that came in got a rose). I remember how John would always help Bumba and I with our coats and pull out our chairs for us when we'd go on our special lunches with the gang. I remember having some good talks with John about relationships and he really helped me understand the faults of men. I remember MervSherv's jokes and how he would always be ready for a good time. I remember Brutha Doug's sweet demeanor and how he would always compliment me. I don't know why, but I just seem to be blessed with these great male role models who have helped me and who have respected me. I think this is why my intuitions about men are strong. When you feel special and admired and respected in your everyday life by good male role models, that's what you seek out in the men who come into your potential relationship life. You look for substance and you're just better at distinguishing what's real and what is not. It's so easy to lose your instincts when it comes to men sometimes. I think it is because of the male role models in my life that I've been able to make good choices for myself.
I always wonder why girls don't ask more questions to the guys they are dating. I remember discussing this with Laura and Doug (not a work Doug, Doug Clarke Jr.) about asking questions on the first date. Doug thought it was interesting that I would ask my types of questions. Well, what am I supposed to do, just sit there and wait for a guy to like me? What about me liking them? That's the only way you know if you are compatible, and isn't that the purpose of dating? Well, I can go on and on regarding this topic, but I don't have all the answers, but I sure do know how to ask a good question. Good night.

There's a wind in my sails; Will protect and prevail; I just spent 6 months in a leaky boat; Nothing to it leaky boat

Speaking of which, I saw a lovely boat last night. It sure was pretty and shiny. It sparkled. Kind of like mini yacht. Something like Seth would have on the OC. Ahhh Seth.

Why does the phone ring when you don't want it to?

First day of school was really good. My HR Management class. I didn't feel like going as I didn't get enough sleep the night before and it was a busy day at work. When you have to use your brain so much throughout the day problem solving for others, the thought of going to school and doing a few more hours of it isn't always appealing. However, I got to class and saw that the seating arrangement had us all sitting in a circle. All 9 of us. 8 women and 1 guy. Marty--he's a lucky man. What I absolutely enjoy about my class is that we discuss real issues in the workplace and the possible solutions. The problems make you think critically of all possible solutions, not just the right and wrong way. The class is more of a seminar than a lecture. Our teacher gives us an HR question and we have to work in our groups to come up with an answer then present it and discuss. That's basically the way the class is designed. I think I will like it.

I like my teacher Alex. He laughed at my jokes. But then, so did everyone else. So, in that class the participation mark is quite high, 25%. So basically it's a giveaway that you should have some relevant things to say in class. He let us go early that day too, and I was thankful b/c I was quite tired. However, I felt like I put in a good day's work.

Another teacher I am going to enjoy. I made a point to tell the guy upstairs thank you for blessing me with such great teachers. I was getting swells of tears in my eyes thinking about it.

I also started my Management class. There's a lot of work in that one. 10 assignments. That's quite a bit.

And there are voices that want to be heard; So much to mention but you can't find the words

So many changes happening at this point in life. It's kind of overwhelming. Not only in my life, but in the lives of those around me. Maybe this is the natural stage of an adult's life where you go through changing directions or making new directions. There is just so much to think about and so much out there to experience. I haven't felt like this in a long time and it's a good feeling yet a scary feeling at the same time.

As an aside, I have put in a photo of the wedding I was in a little over 3 months ago. It feels like it has been a lot longer than 3 months though. Just to keep on the wedding theme for a minute: congratulations to my friend Chris who got married over the weekend. It sounds weird referring to her as Chris, which is in fact her real name, but I have always called her Hannah. It's a name we kind of gave her. It's a long story, but often times I forget that Hannah isn't her real name.

I just said goodbye to a couple of my friends who were here visiting from out of town. We had a great day with them. They are newly engaged and the planning is underway. They actually checked out a ceremony site today which was very exciting. I'm excited about it and for them! They are such good people and friends. They are going to try and pull off an outside Indian wedding. I hope their wish will come true.

I start school tomorrow. I'm taking two classes and it will interesting to see how this semester turns out. From my experience of working full time and taking a class during the summer, I have come to the decision that I will never again complain about being tired doing anything less. I have had a good 3 week break from school and have had some great times and have been able to make some great memories. It's been nice coming home and not having to study or work on an assignment. But that's all going to change as of tomorrow. According to my calculations, I will be having a 53.5 hr week of work, school and commuting. This doesn't include any study time which according to BCIT standards should be about 21 hrs/week. This totals 74.5 hrs/week for the rest of this month. It's going to be eventful- I can feel it, no joke.

Pull out the stops- Got your attention; I guess it's time again for me to mention....

This week's work quote:


"The beauty of work depends upon the way we meet it,

Whether we arm ourselves each morning to attack it as an enemy

that must be vanquished before night comes--

Or whether we open our eyes with the sunrise to welcome it as an approaching friend

who will keep us delightful company

and who will make us feel at evening that the day was well worth its fatigue."

-- Lucy Larcom

I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'd come back to me, But still I have to say- I would do it all again

Last night was my Aunty's 40th birthday party. Thanks be to Shereen who basically made all the food and all the preparations. She is a superwoman- so humble and beautiful and basically I can't see a selfish bone in her body.

It was a very special night, which is not surprising because my Aunty makes everything special when her presence is involved. She looked so pretty-- her friend did her makeup and hair, and I got to see just how curly her hair really is. It was amazing-- she has these tiny corkscrew curls which you never get to see because she always has the 2 minute mom hairdo which doesn't allow for much styling or much of anything for that matter.

The most special thing about that night was that my Aunty made a special toast to all of the imporant people in her life which Rohit videotaped for our out of country family members. It was so touching and so like my Aunty to do something like that on a day that's supposed to be about her. She raised her glass to each of us and through her tears, said something about each of us and how we've affected her life. There was not a dry eye in the place. In my books, she really is the matriarch of our new found family. I have often wondered where I would go or what would life be like when my parents are gone. Who would feel the loss like my brother and I would, and who would be my family then to belong to? Those fears of mine have slowly been subsiding and that is largely due to my Aunty who has given us all a place to belong. I'm so thankful for that and for her.

You might be the silent type; But you're advertising louder now; It's crazy how you're killing me

There is a big difference between power over work and power over the people you work with. These two things are often mixed up. I've been observing that often times when people feel no control over their work, that they attempt to regain that control by undermining the control of their team members. Sad, but true. I may work diligently all day long, sometimes not taking a break, but I do notice and listen to what's going on around me. Sometimes I wish people were just happier. Last week I was talking to this person on the phone about a work issue and then I asked her how she was doing. She paused, and in that silence I felt her frustration, pain and some desperation...I immediately started tearing up. And then I told her that it was okay if she didn't finish the work thing I was talking to her about. Sometimes people need to know that they are more important than a piece of paper or information in an email. Sometimes people really do forget that they are.

On a lighter note, I met a guy name Etienne today. Not only is that a cool name, but I enjoyed the way he said mine with his French accent. It pleasantly rung in my ear and I asked him to say it again. Now I'm thinking that was quite bold of me. Sometimes you've just got to tell someone when you like something they do. It's a simple pleasure to me.

In all the little moments I pushed you away that I can't erase; Every moment overflows with power; 66 thousand miles an hour

Jawn you asked the question about my experiences of eliminating redundancy. I think I've been trying to do that in different aspects of my life in the last several months. Namely, figuring out what things I can do without in life that I have held on to from the past and trying to let them go. At times, I've felt redundancy in the choices I've made when I have not listened closely to myself, when I make choices out of fear or inadequacy. Getting rid of the thoughts that hold you back is getting rid of the redundancy that those thoughts create in your physical life.

I've spent the last few months getting to know myself, incorporating the past and the present, and setting goals for the future. This kind of all began when I decided to transition into another field of work. It meant leaving the security of work that I was familiar with but knew that I didn't want to make a life long career. My struggle with this lasted until I made the decision to go back to school and follow what my instincts were telling me. Following your desire isn't always immediately gratifying. In the middle of my struggles, I have questioned if taking a ~70% pay cut to become a student and leaving a comfortable line of work is the smartest thing to do. Because I can tell you, there have been times when it has appeared that way. In the midst i also decided to take a career management course to help me focus on the things I needed to get done careerwise and make a plan for myself.

I know that sometimes people don't know where my motivations or ideas come from. I don't always know what the ideas are or which to choose, I just find that what I do know is what questions to ask. And God helps me with the answers. But, I trust that my spirit will lead me when I'm not sure where to go. It's funny how when you decide to change something in one area of your life, it affects other areas too. So, the decision to eliminate redundancy in my career life, has also been modifying and eliminating redundancy in my family life and personal relationships.

This past couple of months especially,I've been going to bed dead tired and getting up tired. Working in a new job in a field that you are just beginning to enter and trying to keep up with your schooling brings physical and mental challenge. In those moments of challenge I try to remember the purpose of what I'm doing. There are a few of those. First and foremost, it's for me-- for my learning, to really find out what I am made of. And to find where my talents lie and how I can most effectively use those in life. The only way to do this authentically for me is to be stripped humbly of the superficial things that stop me from achieving what I want in life. Those things are usually unique to the individual. The second purpose for me is for my family, present and future. This will sound a bit out there considering I'm perfectly single and without children, but I do what I do now partly to be able to provide in many ways, the best for my family when that time comes. Although I don't have their physical presence, I do have them in my mind and in my heart in everything I do. I feel that way about my immediate family too, of course. And sometimes when I get selfish and prideful, I think about the future and it makes things a little more bearable.

I la la la la love the wonderful thing it does because Because I am the wizard of oohs and ahs & fa la la's

Do you ever hear a phrase that totally sticks out in your mind and you think hey, I have to remember this one. For some reason it has meaning to you. This happened to me this week when I heard the phrase: Eliminate the redundancy

The context in which I heard it was not very significant, but the meaning of the words set a lightbulb off in my head and I told myself that I couldn't forget this phrase and I will have to think about it later when I have time. I like it when things just grab my attention that way to generate thought. You never know where it might lead you. I find it exciting.

It takes no time to fall in love But it takes you years to know what love is

I've been wanting to write in here for a long time, but everytime I've sat down to write, I've been so tired that I can't seem to complete my thoughts. Ironically, I had to erase that last line because I couldn't express my words in the right order.
Well, school and work are taking their toll on me. This is pretty much the most stress and tiredness I've experienced in my school/job life. 50 hours a week I spend at work and school. And that doesn't count time to study and do assignments (which is about 10 hours/week)or commuting time (7.7 hours/week). Yes, I have counted because it's the only way I can manage my time properly and have a realistic view of how I can get things done. Or else I would have dropped my class by now.

I like my class but it makes me a little upset that I don't enjoy it as much as I could. In class, sometimes (like tonight) I was yawning and just ready to go home about half way through. After a full day of work and then a stop over at Staples to print off my assignment, then to the library because the girl at Staples told me it would take two hours to print my stuff. I've taken stuff their before and that's never happened. She said 2 hours for colour printing (which is what I wanted). Then I asked what about black and white? She said 30 mins. I didn't get that logic. I only had 6 pages to print and I said nevermind and left for the library. Let's just say my library experience was not a great one. First of all, the lady at the information desk kept repeating the spelling of my name wrong. 3 times she repeated it to me wrong. Normally, this wouldn't bother me, but my time was running out and I had to print my stuff fast. I walk over to the computer only to find some guy sitting at the computer I just booked. I gave him a look and he got up right away-- his buddy was on the computer beside me, so he just stood behind me. Nice. I got my docs ready on the screen and went to the main desk to buy my paper. I bought 10 pages and proceeded to the info booth where I showed my receipt to get my paper. Then the wrong- speller- of- my- name- responded with a 10 pages yes answer. See, she is supposed to bring the paper to the printer and put it in and then I can print. I thought she was following me to my computer b/c she had the paper in her hand. Once I got to my computer, I peer over and see that she is sitting at her desk! I look again b/c I thought she was maybe accosted by someone for help, but no, she's sitting at the desk. Well, I marched over there and she looks up at me and says oh you want your paper? Uhhhh, yeah I want my paper! My paper was sitting right beside her on her desk. So I walked back to the computer. Note that this whole time the guy beside me is crazyily printing off stuff. When I say crazily, he almost had a half a package of xerox paper already in his hands. This bugged me greatly as he was constantly printing and I needed to get my paper in there. Turns out as Mrs. Badspeller came to put my paper in, Mr. Crazypaper ran out of paper. Think that would be a good thing so I could get my paper in? Wrong. Apparently Mr. Paperking kept cueing print jobs even though he used up all his paper. Meaning that I could not print my jobs until his cued ones were printed. For some reason Mrs. Icantspell couldn't understand what was happening and at this point, I was getting anxious and I explained it to her. Regrettably, I didn't use a nice tone. But she didn't seem to notice, just as she didn't seem to notice much of anything. So Mr.Paperboy had to finish his and then I finally did mine. Most of the time I was waiting around I tried to concentrate on breathing so I wouldn't get irritated. Six pages. Just as I was done, he asked me if I was finished. Was he in some kind of rush?? I thought to myself, I'm going to be nice to this guy because that's what I should do. So I told him he could have the rest of the paper in the printer that I didn't use.

I booted it to school. As I approached my classroom door, I noticed it was shut and looking through the window, there was nobody there. I paused then saw a note on the door that said class was moved to another room. I walked into that room and my teacher said hi to me, she had already started class and I was 5 minutes late. It was a good class but I started losing my concentration in the last hour of the new topic. On a good note, I found out I got a higher mark on last week's exam than I thought. I was a bit surprised at my mark last week, although not bad, it just didn't seem right. Anyways, my teacher said she will tell us about the mark changes next class.

And that's the kind of day it's been for me. After it's all said and done, today was a day that taught me a lot. I learned how to be a better person when I don't feel like being one. I'm thankful that I didn't take out my emotions on the people I encountered today. I don't feel I was 100% successful at that today, but someone upstairs helped me out and was patient with me. When patience is tried, just remember that in those times, Someone is being patient with you. And then you will be okay.

Good night.

"And if you pull my card you pull the ace; And if you ask me turn up the bass; And if you play defender I could be your hyperspace;"

Welcome to the world of change. This past few months have brought with them so many changes and turns in life. Changes in family, job, friends,& school. Affecting the all important self. I feel like there is something new up ahead around the corner and things are making a 'little' more sense to me now. It's a good feeling of possibilities that lie ahead.

One thing that stays the same every year is the day of my birth which was yesterday. It was a good day. I'm going to include below something that my best friend wrote about me and to me for my birthday. She told me I had to read it out loud to her. I'm sure she knew I had to hold back the 'ugly cry' as I read. She seems to have this effect on me with things she writes. I used the tactic of using a funny voice to soften the stirrings of emotion welling up inside me. It was the best birthday gift. Everyone deserves a friendship like the one we have.

today is my best budbud's birthday. she finally gets to know what if feels like to be 31 when i've been feeling it for 3 months. i'm already working my way up to feeling the 32 and she's just embarking on the 31 feelings. friends are big-time blessings. i went through periods of friendlessness when i was younger, and i used to cry and cry and pray and beg and plead to Heavenly Father to send me some friends. if i could have seen ahead then, i would have been comforted. i never expected that he would answer me with such abundance. but that's what he does. like it says in matthew, he knows how to give good gifts. my friendship with her is one of the things that gives me roots. i love the way we can talk and talk and talk. we love to discuss communication and people and why they do the things they do, and what they should do, and ourselves and why we do the things we do, and what we should do, and we share a love in beauty products and aroma therapy (things she introduced to me) we love to scan the jewelry racks and displays and point out our faves and ponder them, and we share a love of purses and ethnic foods. we like a good cheesey indian love story. i love the way we can laugh and get our kicks out of the way we talk and the ways of talking that we make up. i love that i can count on her to see the good in me when i need her to, and to forgive the bad. she is a woman of compassion and wisdom. i admire her integrity and her strength. i admire her acts of thoughtfulness and kindness. she does her best when she has something to do whether it be a shell picture frame or a project at work. i like the way that she enjoys people and they way she laughs with a kind of wonder at the funny things people do and say. i like the way she is always trying to understand and become better she's a giver. that's my best friend.. it's her birthday today and i celebrate her.

"Goodnight moon; I should be talkin' to Neptune; He's the one who will teach me patience; For whoever rules the sea; Is now the ruler over me"

I really enjoy the computer class I am taking even though it's a night class. There's good energy there and my computer is beside the window which I like. Score on the fact that I have another
good teacher. There must be something in the water at

because so far I've had very enjoyable people as teachers and that's what gives a class an extra something special.

The only cause for trepidation is the 4 assignments and 4 exams in 6 weeks. Yes, that is for ONE (1) class. You do the math and then tell me how it will all be okay. For the next 6 weeks my mantra will be, "You only get out of it as much as you put into it."

I met this girl who's favorite band is Social Distortion. It's a punk band.

If you enjoy pop culture like I do check out this site, it's got some interesting articles in it.

I found "Breaking Up is Not BreakingAway: The Pseudo-Empowerment of Kelly Clarkson" rather scintillating.

"Stay on, soon you'll be divine; If you start to cry, look up to the sky; Something's coming up ahead; To turn your tears to dew instead"

Let's talk watermelon. We had half of one sitting in the fridge. I witnessed my mom take it out, and cut into the flesh with a knife and partake. I said to her, "That's not how you're supposed to eat that." She replied, "Yes it is." I said "No it isn't. You're supposed to cut it in pieces, not just scoop out the flesh and leave the rest in the fridge." She said, "Yes you can. Here, you can do it too." To this I said an indignant, "No way." She left the kitchen and I fell into deep thought about it for approximately 3 seconds. I then took the bowl containing the half watermelon, took a Simeon L. & George H. Rogers fruit spoon, sat down and began scooping and eating. The shell of the watermelon was transformed into a bowl before me. It felt kind of communal, tribal even. Sometimes one needs to step out of their melon to enjoy it's flavor.

Anarchy! Revolution, justice, screaming for solutions; Forcing changes, risk, and danger; Making noise and making pleas"

How long has it been since you've tried something for the very first time?

"The world I love The tears I drop To be part of The wave can't stop Ever wonder if it's all for you"

I bet not many people do the following. If you do, let me know so we can 'discuss'......

I was driving home this morning when I started to have a re-conversation. Meaning: I was reliving a conversation I already had with someone. This replay occurs in my head. I will see a snapshot of the place and person/people involved and I will see it happen again. I also replay the dialogue. I must have been really into the re-living of conversation because before I knew it I made a hand gesture while saying something out loud. Is that art imitating life, or life imitating art?

A vivid imagination is entertaining.

"Never been here before I'm intrigued, I'm unsure I'm searching for more I've got something that's all mine"

These past few weeks have been very interesting. I've been learning a lot about my family and myself as a product of my family. What I mean by 'family' is family history. All the good and the bad that it entails. I've been learning that the way I feel about certain things at this point in my life have been affected by the decisions, actions and relationships of my family, both immediate and extended. Family is important. It’s the only thing that is for life, when all else is gone.

I've been thinking a lot about identity and where and how that evolves. Not to mention, the complexities of my own identity and how I define myself. I am feeling a shift in the way I see myself and how that affects my purpose. More specifically, in what ways do I, and how can I maintain a life of purpose? How can I live a life that is meaningful to me? I know that I accomplish a part of this through my service to others and the dedication to maintaining a healthy and active lifestyle. Currently, educating myself is also a source of meaning for me. Sometimes it can be hard to find meaning in life or feel like you’re living purposefully. When it is, you have to remember where your passion lies. That requires taking a look inward.

I am learning about unconditional love and how that exists in family. I am appreciating a deeper meaning of the act of forgiveness and the strength it gives to future generations. I am learning about patience and time and recognizing again how those things play a part in my life everyday. I'm trying to accept all the things I am being shown at this moment in time. It is a challenge and a struggle to understand but I acknowledge them as points of change and betterment. Some things are revealed when you know a little more and can see more clearly. Most importantly though, I’m learning how I can be more of a woman, and less of a girl.

"Some people think that the physical things define what's within; And I've been there before; And that life's a bore; So full of the superficial"

Sometimes people just need a day to themselves to do things for themselves. Sounds simple enough doesn't it? Think about the last time you had a whole day to yourself. What did you do? What did you enjoy about it? How did it make you feel? Why is it we don't do this as often as we should? Some people may not like the idea of spending a whole day by themselves, but I love it. It rejuvenates me.

I think this quote expresses exactly what I feel when I spend time alone doing the things I love doing that I don't get a chance to do often enough...this is such a sweet and real quote.

"I have, as it were, my own sun and moon and stars, and a little world all to myself." - Henry David Thoreau

See I'm all about them words Over numbers, unemcumbered numbered words Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards

Today I am very thankful for truth. Pure and simple. There is a lot of power in the clarity that truth provides. There is no doubt that finding truth can be a very painful thing, yet the liberation that comes from truth is the clarity we receive from it I think. Things are revealed to us until we are ready to see them clearly.

Clarity allows us to make better choices for ourselves and sets the standard by which we live and by which we set the standards for the way others treat us. I am only now discovering and using clarity for the first time. 'Using' clarity has a lot to do with acknowledgment of the things about ourselves that we don't want to see and hoping that others won't discover. I've learned that these things we run from, tend to catch up to us in other forms. That form may be another person. It may come as an 'unexpected event'. It may even come through the difficulties of a stranger. Whatever the form, the manner in which we embrace it or resist it, matters. It matters because our action or inaction could be the difference between going left or right---a life-changing moment. Or it can be a part of a series of steps that will lead you to somewhere wonderful that you just aren't aware of yet. I have learned: things aren't always revealed to us when we want them to be or when we think we deserve them to be. It is a lesson of faith.

There is much cleansing that comes from truth and facing the hurts and the joys it brings. I think sometimes we hold on to hurts in our hearts and we just don't want to let go of them because we think that place it has in our heart can't be replaced by anything else, let alone something good. We fear the loss and we fear the feeling of emptiness. So we hold on even though we may know that what we are holding is stale and over. What we don't realize in the moment is that it prevents us from giving and receiving. Specifically, it holds one back from loving. Until one day when we are ready and find our clarity, we make the decision to let go. It's a bittersweet kind of moment. But at the end of the emotion there is triumph. There is a peace in knowing that you are a better person. It allows for more loving; of oneself and towards others. It allows others to love you better. It brings shape to your life. It reveals to you the strength of your spirit. Most importantly, it shows you that you have the power to heal yourself through self-love. I think its one of the most important lessons to learn in life. I feel thankful to know this tonight.

"A few times I've been around that track So it's not just gonna happen like that"

I think a lot in the car. I just realized that today as I was driving. I think about everything, sometimes things just pop into my head like, 'I like so and so'. Or I come up with a great idea. Or I think about someone I know who is struggling with something or I think of my own struggles and how I can work on those.

Speaking of which, prayers are sure answered in funny (as in ironic) ways. I had one of those funny/ironic lessons yesterday. Just a warning: ask to be humbled (as I have been for the last couple of days) and the resulting possibilities are endless. Things of the following nature might happen to you: being approached by salespeople in the middle of a parking lot trying to sell you something when you've had little sleep and food, not to mention you have dirty clothes and bad hair as you've spent the last few hours working in a dust factory. The main thing on your mind is 'I want to go home'. Meanwhile, you're trying to muster up as much understanding you can and not be rude to someone who's trying to do their job, granted not in the most convenient location or timing for you. Plus, you're not enjoying the person's sales tactics which includes talking a lot and not wanting you to talk, but just agree with what they say. To top it all off, the salesperson let's you know that you don't look very excited at the prospect of their 'awesome deal'. Although this ordeal took a mere few minutes of my time, it sure was significant because it made me feel inadequate and powerless. I can look at the situation now and find it amusing, but in that moment there was nothing to laugh about. It was just an awkward moment in which I felt I didn't handle very well. Later I realized that I did the best I could in that situation and that is a lesson I have been trying to learn for the last year or so. And that my friends, is definitely humbling.

Moral: Ask and you shall receive. Oh, and also, timing is everything.

"Oh simple thing where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on So tell me when you're gonna let me in;

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin"

Sometimes there is this need to express. I have this need often or else I become stifled in my thoughts. I wonder what the world would be like if people were restrained from expressing......

So, what I will do now is say a farewell to a friend of mine who is moving away. I will say that there are few people in this life who have a natural ability to bring light into peoples' lives. She's the kind of person who remains true to her values. Always ready to laugh. A good girl. I'm going to miss a lot of things about her. Most of all though, I wish that she will have a wonderful spring/summer in her new home! Now, let there be cheesecake and tea in the name of Elmo!

"Give a little bit of heart and soul; Give a little bit of love to grow"

I heard the above song on the radio the other day and I immediately thought: Bart Scruggs. And I listened to the song and smiled. I went to high school with him and he was in my grade 8 science class. He was a short boy with long hair and floppy bangs that he sometimes wore off his face, parted in the middle. He was a 'rocker'. He smoked. And he wore white high tops with jeans and a jean jacket most of the time. In science class I sat at the same table as he did. It was assigned seating, which meant that a choice 'trouble maker' was usually seated beside me. Teachers often used me for that purpose. I guess I was supposed to be the good 'role model'. I didn't mind it at all because I got to know certain people in a way I probably wouldn't have.

Maybe it's because I didn't see myself very differently from Bart Scruggs, that I felt comfortable in those situations. After all, one day out of the blue when we were sitting in class, he sang the words 'Give a little bit of heart and soul, Give a little bit of love to grow' and I thought he was quite a good singer. I liked the song. So we had something in common.

I wonder if he ever remembers me. I doubt he would. I wonder if he'd be surprised that I have this memory of him etched in my mind. Whenever I hear that song, I think about when he sang it. I remember a playful boy who was sometimes rebellious and didn't always have the best manners.... but I thought he could sing, and he left an impression without knowing it. If I were to see Bart someday I'd hug him and tell him about my memory of him. I'd let him know that I was glad Mrs. D had him sit beside me in science class.

"I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin out loud And I know you'll use them however you want to"

Conversations with Mom

I walk into the kitchen

Mom (from the couch in front of the TV): Eat some of the lettuce I brought today.

Me: Whaaaat?

Mom: I brought some lettuce today and you have to eat some with your dinner.

Me: But I already have a whole box of lettuce I have to eat!

Mom: But this is good lettuce.

Me: All lettuce is the same.
(I walk over to look at the lettuce mom is talking about)

Mom: This lettuce tastes very good. (still from the couch)

Me: This looks like normal lettuce to me.

Mom: It's very tasty because I chopped it myself.

Me: Mooooooom! (I sit down and start to eat the lettuce).

The moral: Mothers win most of the time.

"When you've got all night for Love; I see you and me there; Well maybe our time isn't now; But it will come around..."

If anyone knows that song, well you will be my friend for life. It's a song that my brother and I both liked. I can pretty much say that I don't think anyone will know it, but if there is someone out there who does...... it will make me very happy.

On happiness: I've been thinking a lot these past few days about happiness and sadness. Experiencing and thinking. What makes me happy and what makes me feel sad and why? How do we keep happiness alive in ourselves when there seems to be sadness that floats around us? Am I making a difference doing what I do each day? How can I be less consumed with my doubts? I read something that gave me a very good answer to my questions and it brought me some peace. So I have included it below.

Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others' actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others' activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.

Nor is it so remarkable that our greatest joy should come when we are motivated by concern for others. But that is not all. We find that not only do altruistic actions bring about happiness but they also lessen our experience of suffering. Here I am not suggesting that the individual whose actions are motivated by the wish to bring others' happiness necessarily meets with less misfortune than the one who does not. Sickness, old age, mishaps of one sort or another are the same for us all. But the sufferings which undermine our internal peace -- anxiety, doubt, disappointment -- these things are definitely less. In our concern for others, we worry less about ourselves. When we worry less about ourselves an experience of our own suffering is less intense.

What does this tell us? Firstly, because our every action has a universal dimension, a potential impact on others' happiness, ethics are necessary as a means to ensure that we do not harm others. Secondly, it tells us that genuine happiness consists in those spiritual qualities of love, compassion, patience, tolerance and forgiveness and so on. For it is these which provide both for our happiness and others' happiness.

~Ethics for a New Millennium, by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

After I read this, I felt complete. And I believe that's what most people are looking for when they ask questions; they seek completeness. I often do. I find most of the time I am able to find it, in ways that I can't really predict and sometimes can't explain. But I do know when something feels right and I believe that when that feeling comes over you, it's a form of happiness. And that's when I know I've found what I'm searching for.

"Whatever happened to the values of humanity? Whatever happened to the fairness in equality? Instead of spreading love we're spreading animosity"

What happens when someone decides to take a possession away from you? Be it through vandalism or stealing, it causes damage and loss. Material and emotional. A few years ago, I would have defined the damage and loss of something material AS material and amend the loss through a replacement of the material thing. i.e. ‘I can’t believe someone took my ___ , now I have to get a new one.’ Replacement of the possession would “fix” the problem. However, at this moment in time my definition has changed-- I see first a material loss as a disrespect to my hard work. A violation of the sacrifices that I have made to have something that serves a purpose in my life above materiality. It is a hurt inflicted upon the heart that you put into the smallest task in the process of earning a dollar. What is most significant is not the dollars that you are able to readily spend (because anyone can do that or appear to do that) as a result of what you earn, but it is the manner and attitude by which you earn it. I think true wealth comes from this. I guess when you’ve lived a life of riches where things can be replaced with ease, you never really have a chance to learn that lesson in a physical sense, unless you seek out an opportunity to do so.

On an aside, I am thinking about the Pope and it almost seems trite to send him blessings. However, giving blessings are always humbling, inspiring, and a testimony of the power of humanity. That is a lesson that can be taught and learned through life and through death. And everything becomes a little more clearer.

"Long live the Queen; And I'll be the King; In the collar of Grace."

Tonight, I've got a lot on my mind. The weeks go by so fast, too fast it seems at times. I don't think I've ever had as full days as I have been experiencing the last three months. When you are working on making changes in your life, it takes up a lot of time and energy and at times it's so overwhelming. I have this eternal voice in my head (imaginary, not real) that keeps reminding me of why I am doing the things I do. A reminder of the personal plan that I've set out for myself. I wonder if other people have that little voice. I find it speaks to me at least once a day but most of the time more than once. As I'm sitting here typing, I think I've just figured out that it's something I ask for all the time-- wisdom. It's the one thing I am always asking for, along with patience. I think I just answered my question about the little voice. Sometimes, reassurance is all one needs to believe.

Tonight
You arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife
In the shape of your mouth
In the form of your body
With the wrath of a god
You stood by me
And I'll stand by my
Belief

"Overjoyed..."

As I was telling my friend yesterday, I think Stevie Wonder is an amazing artist. An all-time favorite of mine. I don't know how to describe it exactly but his songs just give such an energy that makes you reach this point of love and appreciation-- enough to make you weep. My parents owned the Songs in the Key of Life vinyl. Yes, I said vinyl. It was his popular record in the late 70s. I remember the big booklet insert in the double vinyl jacket with all the lyrics to the songs that I used to read over and over again.

Overjoyed is one of my favorites because of the element of vulnerableness yet strong faith that he weaves through the song. It portrays an emotion that we've all felt and have wished that we were brave enough to express:

Over hearts, I have painfully turned every stone

Just to find, I had found what I've searched to discover

I've come much too far for me now to find

The love that I've sought can never be mine

And though you don't believe that they do

They do come true

For did my dreams

Come true when I looked at you

And maybe too, if you would believe

You too might be

Overjoyed, over loved, over me

And though the odds say improbable

What do they know

For in romance

All true love needs is a chance

And maybe with a chance you will find

You too like I

Overjoyed, over loved, over you, over you

I think everyone deserves someone in life who is sure. Sure to be there when you need them, and when you don't think you need them. Sure to love you when at times you don't love yourself. Sure to have faith when you find it difficult. Sure to say for you, the things that you feel but are afraid to say. I think these things would make anyone feel overjoyed.

"I rock the Fetish; People you know who I am."

Props to my friend (and personal fashion consultant) Ricardo, who's doing fresh stuff on MTV Canada's 969.

This kid's insightful and he got skillz. Check out what he does if you're interested. He says 'hi' to everyone. Point and click on the green monkey above.

"Life is one big stage; And it's all the rage."

The 47th Grammy Awards are on tonight. There's a history with this award's show with my family. Well, any awards show for that matter. We're big awards show people. When I was growing up, we'd always congregate in front of the TV and root for our favorites-- it was a special night. And yes, we'd watch ALL the show, not just certain parts. My parents would let us stay up past our bedtime to watch and tell us to go to bed right after. They always let us watch the whole thing.

I remember feeling like I was a part of something special, watching people win their awards. I know that it probably didn't seem like a big deal to some, and it's not like I'd ever know any of those celebrities. But when you're a kid, you don't think about that. Well, at least I didn't. I just wanted to watch people win and feel like I was a part of it somehow; it allowed me to dream of the possibilities of what I could accomplish. I think most of us as children feel that way about ourselves, but in the midst of growing up, we lose that, or it's harder to remember that our possibilities are endless. I am trying to refresh my memory on that. I have been thinking about my achievements in life that were significant to me, dating back to my earliest childhood memories. It's an interesting exercise to go back in time and be reminded of the things that you were most proud of in your earlier years. I think everyone should try and come up with 15 achievements, not necessarily things that others would feel were important, but things that made you feel good or proud. It opens the door to new possibilities. Funny how the past sometimes does hold the key, or at least a good reminder of the key you hold in the present.

Good luck to all my favorites (that means you) tonight.

"You can say I'm one curly fry in the box of regular; Messing with the flavor oh the flavor that you savor.'

This quote sums up nicely what has been on my mind as of late:

"The price of self-destiny is never cheap and in certain circumstances it's unthinkable, but to achieve the marvelous it's precisely the unthinkable that must be thought."

-Tom Robbins

"Life is not what I thought it was twenty-four hours ago; Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You."

Once there was a man who was 55 and better. Grampa. On many occasions there would be this budgie who would fly over to his house. It must have escaped from his home and wanted to visit someone else. One day, Grandpa decided to keep Budgie because he came over so often, and Budgie became his pet. Grampa and Budgie loved each other. They had good times together. Budgie would fly out of his cage every day and sit on Grampa's shoulder and give him kisses on the cheek. They were family.
One day Budgie flew out of his cage and sat on Grampa's shoulder like he usually did. He gave Grampa a kiss on the cheek, but this time instead of going back to his cage, he sat on top of Grampa's hand. Budgie took a couple of deep breaths, closed his eyes, and passed on. Grampa was heartbroken. He was very sad and he cried a lot over the loss of Budgie. However, they had a wonderful eight years together. Companions till the end.

When my mom told me this a couple of days ago, it really touched me. I had to try very hard not to cry because it was the sweetest thing I'd heard in a long time. It's a true story. Grampa is actually my second uncle, but I refer to him as Grampa. I've never had a pet, but loving a pet and being loved by one is quite powerful from what I see. I hope Grampa will find another another special pet to share his time with. I'm sure Budgie would want that.

"My clothes are worn and gritty; And I know ugliness; Now show me something pretty."

Amy correctly guessed the Jan 25th song....

The Champa flower is a flower of the East. The Beloved flower of the country Laos. In fact, there is a national song about the Champa flower:

Champa Flower, you have stood by my side since I was young.
Your fragrance is significant; in my heart it stands with love and affection.
I treasure your sweet scent, for when I feel lonely, I can breathe in your sweet fragrance, My Dear Sweet Champa.
Your delicate fragrance is like my long lost friend. You have been a beautiful flower since the beginning of time, My Dear Champa Flower, My Beloved Flower.

Beloved's blossoms.

The Champa flower holds much spiritual significance. Its scent used for devotional ceremonies. Aromatic traditions and symbolism are extensively used in Indian culture to illustrate the power of living. Just like the Champa flower kisses us with its sweet fragrance as it is awoken by the sun, we are too awakened by spirituality that lifts us, moves us, and allows us to flow our goodness effortlessly through the world-- a blessing.

The Champa flower holds personal significance. It is also beloved by me. In the form of incense and essential oil, that is. It has a sweet and exotic smell, one could say at times intoxicating. The incense itself has been around for several years. This scent holds a special place with me because it takes me back to my childhood and good memories. It was the only incense we burned in my home since I was a little girl. My dad used the incense to 'smudge' us when we were little. Meaning: using the hands to wash the scent over you. It's used as a part of blessing, cleansing, and healing.

Nag Champa has become a popular incense. The incense combines the scent of the Champa flower along with other spices. If you want to try the incense, go to any Indian grocer and buy it there. You'll find it for super cheap, as opposed to any novelty stores that carry it.

What does all this have to do with Amy (Pea)? Amy means Beloved. Amy = Beloved. I think after reading the above, the connection is quite clear. Anything for a girl who says I am 'practically her sister'.

It's amazing how when you take the time to think about a person, the thought of them inspires you with the flow of words, feelings, and connections. It is truly meaningful. The ability to create meaning I think is one of the keys to a happy life.

I'm glad I sat down and made time to write this. I've had a taxing week and in the midst of one particular stress, a kind person asked me what they could do for me. 'What can I do for you?'. Eloquent words.... inspiring me to write this tonight.

May golden Champa blooms decorate your dreams..... :)

'And I'm so excited, I haven't spoken'

Sarah correctly guessed the January 14th song...

The name Sarah means Princess. Princess flowers, also known as Glory flowers, come from the Melastomataceae Family. There are over 5 000 species in the Princess Family. Botonist Frank Almeda states they are called Princess flowers because their beauty is, 'fit for a Princess'. I took a look at these flowers myself, and I agree. Frank is a smart man. I found this flower and basically, it said Sarah to me. Yes, it spoke to me. Species Urvilleana (ur-VIL-ah-nuh). With a purple bloom. I call it Sarah's flower now. I think it's quite fitting.


Sarah's flower.

Isn't it great when you can find a new way to appreciate a person? We should do this more often. I'll go to sleep on that good thought.

"What goes around; comes around; what goes up; must come down"

Enough rain for you? It seems like that's all we've been seeing on the news lately. Everything seems to be weather related in the world. Mother nature. She's got something to tell us, doesn't she? Attention seekers usually have something they want to say, but don't exactly know how to. Maybe they think their voices won't be heard. Or maybe no one will care enough to listen. Maybe they are afraid of rejection. Maybe heavy rainfall is what we need sometimes to listen to what's going on outside of our own worlds. I think it forces us to use our other senses.

Peace.

"When shadows fill our day; Lead us to a place; Guide us with your grace..."

We all have so much to be thankful for in our everyday lives. I have thought a lot about this today in relation to the events in Asia. If you haven't contributed yet, please help the people affected by the Tsunami disaster. They have lost everything- their loved ones, their livelihoods and their homes. These are things we take for granted everyday. I know that I do. I can't imagine what life would look like if I was to lose the things I depend on so much at different moments in time, let alone all at once.

Clicking on the icon below will take you to the donation page.

Thank you.

"I refuse to believe; that my life's gonna be; just a string of incompletes..."

Welcome to Lady of Light's blog. This is a place where you brew a cup of tea, cozy up, point & click, and reflect with me on the internal and external.

Each title of my blog will reflect my 'posting mood' in the form of a song lyric. So, feel free to guess the Song of the Day by song title and/or artist. And yes, you will receive a prize if your guess is right, provided that you answer the skill testing question correctly. This week's prize: accolades and affection.

My hope for Icons, Incense and Ideations is to create a place where we can retreat and feel rejuvenated-- like a virtual spa!

I hope you will visit often.

Namaste